I have noticed that women are like rebounding nets. Every compliment or affirmation you throw a woman's way is almost guaranteed to come back. She may weakly lob it back to you, or she might hurl it violently back at you, but she won't accept it without resistance or denial. What she won't tell you is that deep inside she is excited to hear those compliments and positive words. She delights in them and wants to hear more but she berates herself for feeling that way. Woman has been taught that desiring affirmation makes her needy and needy is not desirable.
Woman is the master of deflection, a super-goalie of the heart, not letting soccer balls of love into her soul. The enemy has been lying to her. He started out with little lies, and when woman believed those, he started telling bigger lies. Suddenly woman hates herself and she doesn't know why. She feels unworthy of attention and undeserving of love. She thinks the essence of her life is underwhelming. There is nothing spectacular about her; that is what she would tell you.
However, woman has so many cheerleaders. There is something about her that the people in her life could brag to you about. She is loyal. She is caring. She is creative. She nurtures others. She sees beyond the walls. But she doesn't know how great she is. Rare is the woman who rejects all the lies inside. Rare is she who is confident and comfortable in herself. Rare is the woman who accepts without argument the idea of her amazingness. It is so easy for others to see the strong and admirable qualities in her but she doesn't embrace them in herself. This leaves those around her more frustrated because "she doesn't get it." Why can't she see how awesome she is? A woman will praise her peers all day but struggle to name one good thing about herself.
Ladies, if you are complimented on or encouraged about a strength that is God-given, embrace it and apply yourself to making that thing better. Hone that skill, sharpen that quality, so that others can benefit more fully from what you have to offer. Stop crying into your pillow about what you don't have and what you aren't qualified to do and make something of what is already yours! You don't do much good for the Kingdom if you are trying to be your sister or neighbor or pastor's wife!
____________________
Insecurity can easily be mistaken for humility. There was a time that I was talking to a guy about becoming a personal trainer with a company that I used to work for. I guess I had told him that I had been dragging my heels because I was scared of the implications of responsibility, success, failure. I didn't feel like I was suited for the level of professionalism that I was taking on (having been independently training up to that point). He said I was humble and I could sense the respect that he had for me. I was thinking "Where did he get that impression?! He is sorely mistaken!" Humility does not involve the level of doubt that I was experiencing at that time. I couldn't even imagine how I would keep a client engaged for a whole hour! Go ahead, laugh at me, because I do.
Humility is acknowledging your ability, capability, and capacity without elevating yourself. Insecurity is uncertainty, a lack of confidence, and self-derogation. It is important to know the difference between downplaying your strengths (humility) and putting yourself down (insecurity). Insecurity dismisses, humility considers or accepts. Insecurity says "There's no way you can do that!" Humility says "It's possible."
It IS possible, with God. It's more than okay to be unsure about doing something in your own power. Actually, it's recommended. Self-reliance is pride, and I am oh so guilty of self-reliance! Humility recognizes that strength is from God and is dependent on Him. When you cultivate what God has placed in you, then it's time to take it to Him and let Him complete the work. I pray that you and I are able to throw off all fear and insecurity and trust in the One who gives peace and boldness.
Shine on, beautiful!
~sweetlybrokenshep~
Monday, June 11, 2018
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Packing Light
These are some passages from the book Packing Light: Thoughts on Living Life with Less Baggage by Allison Vesterfelt. Quotes are italicized, my responses are not. These are only some snippets of the book that impacted me. I realize that you won't get the full context and impact that I did unless you read the whole text (which I recommend), but I think you'll get the idea. Some of my thoughts were written a couple of years ago I think, and some were added today.
"Wanting something meant feeling the pain of not having it, and feeling the pain of chasing it down."
There is something about wanting that is inherently painful. I don't know about you, but there have been times that I've wanted something so much it literally hurt. Not having what you want means you have to wait. That experience will stretch you and that is also painful. Which part is worse, feeling the pain of not having something, or the pain of chasing it down? The way Allison phrases this sentence makes whatever she wanted sound really elusive. How do you chase down something you can't quite put your finger on?
"We're scared to choose anything--a school, a job, a spouse--because choosing one thing means letting go of several others. But sometimes having limited options is a blessing. It makes it easier to choose our path, and choosing means we get to zoom in and enjoy our one, complicated, imperfect path, instead of trying to halfway entertain a bunch of others. No matter which school we pick, it won't be perfect. No matter who we marry, our spouse will have flaws. But choosing means jumping in and accepting that path for all of its triumphs and trials. It means letting go of other roads, but in the end, it's better than never really choosing anything at all."
Whew, this really resonates with me! I'm terribly indecisive. Possibilities paralyze me. I'm guilty of "halfway entertaining" things. It's a strength and a weakness. It makes me flexible but mediocre. This is why my word for 2016 was direction.* I need to jump in and choose a road and ride out the triumphs and trials. Choosing means letting go of other options, but it's better than never choosing anything.
"We can't measure the value of our decisions based on outcomes. Most of life is not an outcome. Most of life is unfolding on the road in front of us. The "outcome" can change as fast as the scenery." "Sometimes there are not right and wrong decision. There are just different choices with different benefits, different ramifications, and different baggage."
It's not about the destination but the journey. The road we choose may or may not take us to our desired or expected destination, but hopefully we're better off for having taken the journey. Part of the adventure is in not having a concrete outcome. Outcomes change like scenery or the seasons. It is important to be flexible so you don't miss the lessons along the way.
"As scared as I was of chaos and the unknown, I was equally scared of the mundane and predictable. In fact, I felt caught between the two. Which one was I supposed to choose? I was desperate for a road map, something concrete and definitive that would answer all these questions. At the same time I worried I would take all the right turns, make all the right steps, follow all the directions, and at the end would find out the terrain of my life was meaningless and boring. I told God all of this, and He just listened."
I feel like this. It's like I'm already living the mundane and predictable, but everything else is so unsure and unpredictable. How can I know that it will result in anything worthwhile? I could do all the things I think I'm supposed to do, the things I think I want to do, and still be miserable. At least the difference there would be that I went on some kind of adventure rather than sitting motionless, not taking a chance that there would be something more fulfilling on the other side.
"I want to be the kind of writer who is awake to the realities of heaven, but engaged in the realities of this world. I pictured myself throwing a lasso around the feeling I had right now, in the middle of nowhere, and dragging it with me back to civilization. That's what I hoped I could do with words. I hoped I could invite people into realities they had never experienced. I hoped I could wake them up to a life they wanted to be living. I would give up anything to keep this feeling--the feeling of being close to Him."
Whenever I open my mouth or spill out my thoughts on paper or on this screen, I hope to challenge you into new ways of thinking. What I contribute should make you ponder something, challenge your worldview, or make you ask questions of yourself or the world you live in. Ultimately, I hope to connect you to our Creator through my experience of connection with Him.
"So the problem with expectations, if there is a problem, is that our expectations aren't big enough to hold the possibilities that will unfold in front of us. Our single perspective is so limited. Vision changes everything. Sometimes we need to change locations in order to see something amazing, but sometimes it's simpler than that. Sometimes what we need is to change our perspective. It's not about ignoring expectations, or lowering them. It's about letting the events of our journey shape our expectations, even as they shape us. If the location where you're standing is less than energizing, check your vision. don't abandon your expectations. Try to see them from a different perspective.
Maybe if we mastered the art of expecting the unusual, we would start experiencing the unusual. Maybe we have more control over the direction of our lives than we think. Maybe we should live our lives in a constant state of expectation, always curious and excited about the possibilities that could unfold in front of us. Maybe it is our sense of vision that colors our reality. "
I know that there are realities far beyond my feeble imagination. But my perspective is so small. How have you enriched your life by altering your perspective rather than your expectations?
"Maybe we missed something at Mt. Rushmore because we hadn't taken long enough to look around. Maybe we gave up too easily."
Oof.
"Just expect amazing scenery, without knowing what it will look like. Don't try to imagine it, just know it will come. That way, when it comes and it looks different than you expect, you won't miss it."
This. One of the scariest ideas is the thought of missing out on something because it looks different than you expected. Once you imagine something, you kind of put a boundary or limitation on it. Your thoughts put a concrete definition to something that is much more insubstantial. Then, when you start looking for that thing, your expectations may not be met because "the thing" actually looks completely different.
*Actually, my word for 2016 became breakthrough, but for me direction and breakthrough can be intermingled.
Buy the book!
Mystery Ride: Part 1
Don't try to figure it out, just enjoy the ride. It's what someone says when they are taking you for a surprise. It's also how I'm trying to view my life right now. There is so much to experience; life is but one great adventure. I have so many ideas of what I want those experiences to be, and I'm really good at holding out for them. I feel that I won't be able to hit certain milestones without hitting certain other ones first. For example, I don't believe that I will surrender my heart to a man and marry him until I have traveled a bit and done some things that require great faith and risk. But who am I to say that things need to happen in that sequence? What if the journey looks different than I have pictured it? What if I have it backwards, and all that crazy amazingness happens after I've settled down with my future husband? So now I'm trying to accept that how the adventure happens is not as important as enjoying the adventure itself.
Facebook reminded me that I must have been thinking some of the same things five years ago.This is not the first time that I wrote about something that paralleled my experience at the same time in a previous year. That's just a reminder of how cyclical life is. I shared this quote in March 2013.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
--Joseph Campbell
I agree with this quote.....but why is it so stinking hard to execute? The plans I have for myself might not be the best ones for me. What would it look like if I could really surrender myself to life as it happens? To go for something and not be afraid that it would throw off the picture I already have in my head? I want to be ok with erasing that picture and letting another beautiful thing replace it. So far, I suck at surrender. If anything, I'm in overdrive working to make some of my plans come to fruition. This could end in elation or heartbreak, but I don't think I'll be satisfied until I give it my all. Join me on this adventure to find out how it unfolds. To be continued.....
Facebook reminded me that I must have been thinking some of the same things five years ago.This is not the first time that I wrote about something that paralleled my experience at the same time in a previous year. That's just a reminder of how cyclical life is. I shared this quote in March 2013.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
--Joseph Campbell
I agree with this quote.....but why is it so stinking hard to execute? The plans I have for myself might not be the best ones for me. What would it look like if I could really surrender myself to life as it happens? To go for something and not be afraid that it would throw off the picture I already have in my head? I want to be ok with erasing that picture and letting another beautiful thing replace it. So far, I suck at surrender. If anything, I'm in overdrive working to make some of my plans come to fruition. This could end in elation or heartbreak, but I don't think I'll be satisfied until I give it my all. Join me on this adventure to find out how it unfolds. To be continued.....
Thursday, March 8, 2018
Leap of Faith
I was once at a playground watching a man and his son having an exchange. The dad wanted his little boy to jump from a platform about eight feet high. The boy was obviously scared to jump. The man kept reassuring his son that he would be caught and it was safe to jump. Dad held out his arms and the boy started to work up the nerve to jump. He eventually stepped off the platform, but he wasn't fully committed. He kept his hand on the railing, hindering his jump. The dad couldn't catch the boy properly because of the son's lack of trust and the fear that kept his hand on safety. There was a pole next to the dad, and the boy hit his head on it during the fall.
I couldn't help but imagine how shattered the son's trust in his dad would be from that moment forward. In his little mind, his daddy had encouraged this dangerous act, certain that he would catch his little boy. That situation could become a defining moment in that boy's life. But sadly, if he had released his hand from the railing, he would have landed safely in his daddy's arms. I'm sure the dad felt awful that he wasn't able to keep his son safe and unharmed. That had to be so embarassing. I was very sad for both of them.
Maybe you can see where I'm going with this. I know that the leap-from-the-cliff example is an obvious one, as it has been used many times. However, I'm adding the bit about letting go of the railing. God wants us to step out in faith because He has us. We will land in His arms if we trust Him. The problem is that, in our fear, in those moments that we aren't sure that the landing is guaranteed to be safe, we try to hold on to the bit of security and control we think we have. Imagine that you are cliff-diving. You step up to the edge and look down into the cerulean sea, first noticing that right below where you are standing is an extrusion of jagged rocks. You have to be all in to make this jump. If you don't get far enough out, you won't clear those rocks and you will be seriously hurt. If you retreat for a running start, then start to slow and change your mind, you put yourself in more danger than if you had just committed to the leap.
God is the father telling us it's okay to leave the ledge. If God is asking us to make a leap of faith, it doesn't do us any good to hold on to doubt. We have to completely surrender to have the full, beautiful experience. There is exhilaration in being uncertain but taking the chance anyway.
What if that boy on the playground had fullly trusted his dad and jumped without hesitation? The dad would have caught his son, who would have laughed and raced up to make another leap. This is what happens when we fully surrender to the call of our Heavenly Father. Though scared, we jump with reckless abandon. He catches us. We trust Him. Later, He asks us to jump again. We remember how He proved trustworthy by catching us the time before. So we jump again. And so on and so forth.....
I couldn't help but imagine how shattered the son's trust in his dad would be from that moment forward. In his little mind, his daddy had encouraged this dangerous act, certain that he would catch his little boy. That situation could become a defining moment in that boy's life. But sadly, if he had released his hand from the railing, he would have landed safely in his daddy's arms. I'm sure the dad felt awful that he wasn't able to keep his son safe and unharmed. That had to be so embarassing. I was very sad for both of them.
Maybe you can see where I'm going with this. I know that the leap-from-the-cliff example is an obvious one, as it has been used many times. However, I'm adding the bit about letting go of the railing. God wants us to step out in faith because He has us. We will land in His arms if we trust Him. The problem is that, in our fear, in those moments that we aren't sure that the landing is guaranteed to be safe, we try to hold on to the bit of security and control we think we have. Imagine that you are cliff-diving. You step up to the edge and look down into the cerulean sea, first noticing that right below where you are standing is an extrusion of jagged rocks. You have to be all in to make this jump. If you don't get far enough out, you won't clear those rocks and you will be seriously hurt. If you retreat for a running start, then start to slow and change your mind, you put yourself in more danger than if you had just committed to the leap.
God is the father telling us it's okay to leave the ledge. If God is asking us to make a leap of faith, it doesn't do us any good to hold on to doubt. We have to completely surrender to have the full, beautiful experience. There is exhilaration in being uncertain but taking the chance anyway.
What if that boy on the playground had fullly trusted his dad and jumped without hesitation? The dad would have caught his son, who would have laughed and raced up to make another leap. This is what happens when we fully surrender to the call of our Heavenly Father. Though scared, we jump with reckless abandon. He catches us. We trust Him. Later, He asks us to jump again. We remember how He proved trustworthy by catching us the time before. So we jump again. And so on and so forth.....
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Smashing Trash
Yesterday I saw this really cool machine at Walgreens. You put trash bags in it and it smashes them down so you can fit more garbage in the can. It is efficient and saves the company money on trash disposal services. But my first thought after, "Wow, that's awesome!" was about how messy the inside of that fancy machine must get. Commercial-use trash bags are not known for their durability. I've seen them tear very easily. I pictured nasty bits of food and goo getting squeezed out of their pitiful bags and stinking up the inside of the can. What seems to be handy and efficient at first glance can get really yucky without the proper care.
This is how I am with my emotions. I have stuffed and packed and stuffed and packed so much inside that I don't even remember all of what is in there. But I know when it starts to stink and it is time to empty the receptacle. It's great to be able to tuck something away and crush it to oblivion in the dark corners of your mind--it's just not healthy to do that continually. Over the past several months it has been easier for me to pull those emotions out and say what I'm thinking and feeling. Maybe it's because that garbage machine is full and the trash is easily accessible at the top. Maybe I've gotten better at not relying on the crusher so much. Ultimately, it is both of these things, because I have grown.
Have you ever taken the lid off of a trash can, gotten a whiff of its contents, and been able to guess what's inside based on a specific odor? Like you don't know specifically what's in there, but you know it is something containing eggs or meat or onions? Well, I have gotten a whiff of what is inside myself and it's not pleasant. I smell a load of anger.. I may not know all the sources of my anger without further inspection, but I know it is there. I've been tossing little bits of it so often that I easily forget just how much of it is in there. But anger doesn't empty easily. It sticks to everything else in my mind, and the walls of the trash can. The bag in my trash crusher is broken and is releasing some putrid stuff.
When you wait too long to clean something up, it can be unrecognizable. It takes a lot of effort to get the job done. Throughout various jobs I have had to scrape some calcified or sticky substance off a surface, and I've taken injuries to do it. The cleanup became painful because something that was never meant to be there was allowed to stay and settle in. The same is true of emotional trash. It's always going to be unpleasant to address. However, old messes can be more painful to clean up than fresh ones. So take care of your trash before it takes root and causes a big stink.. Even if you are nose-blind to it, other people will notice the smell.
By the way, I still think the machine is awesome. This is compounded (see what I did there?) by the fact that I was going to write about emotional suppression yesterday anyway. The garbage crusher just gave me a great metaphor.
With peace and love,
Shep
This is how I am with my emotions. I have stuffed and packed and stuffed and packed so much inside that I don't even remember all of what is in there. But I know when it starts to stink and it is time to empty the receptacle. It's great to be able to tuck something away and crush it to oblivion in the dark corners of your mind--it's just not healthy to do that continually. Over the past several months it has been easier for me to pull those emotions out and say what I'm thinking and feeling. Maybe it's because that garbage machine is full and the trash is easily accessible at the top. Maybe I've gotten better at not relying on the crusher so much. Ultimately, it is both of these things, because I have grown.
Have you ever taken the lid off of a trash can, gotten a whiff of its contents, and been able to guess what's inside based on a specific odor? Like you don't know specifically what's in there, but you know it is something containing eggs or meat or onions? Well, I have gotten a whiff of what is inside myself and it's not pleasant. I smell a load of anger.. I may not know all the sources of my anger without further inspection, but I know it is there. I've been tossing little bits of it so often that I easily forget just how much of it is in there. But anger doesn't empty easily. It sticks to everything else in my mind, and the walls of the trash can. The bag in my trash crusher is broken and is releasing some putrid stuff.
When you wait too long to clean something up, it can be unrecognizable. It takes a lot of effort to get the job done. Throughout various jobs I have had to scrape some calcified or sticky substance off a surface, and I've taken injuries to do it. The cleanup became painful because something that was never meant to be there was allowed to stay and settle in. The same is true of emotional trash. It's always going to be unpleasant to address. However, old messes can be more painful to clean up than fresh ones. So take care of your trash before it takes root and causes a big stink.. Even if you are nose-blind to it, other people will notice the smell.
By the way, I still think the machine is awesome. This is compounded (see what I did there?) by the fact that I was going to write about emotional suppression yesterday anyway. The garbage crusher just gave me a great metaphor.
With peace and love,
Shep
Monday, January 25, 2016
Read All About It
Read All About It
Read All About It Part III by Emeli Sande
What a great song. I have always appreciated it, but I have been thinking about it in a different light recently. Though a secular song, it can easily be used in a spiritual way. I'm going to break down the lyrics and explain.
You've got the words to change a nation
But you're biting your tongue
You've spent a life time stuck in silence
Afraid you'll say something wrong
If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?
We have so much to say. On some level we know the power within us. We know what needs to be done but we're holding back. We are not meant to bite our tongues with the words that God has given us. These words were meant to change our church, our nation, our world.
Sometimes we fear that we will say the wrong thing. Maybe our words will not be in God's will. Maybe someone will be offended. Maybe you will scare someone off. Maybe you will not be liked by someone or by a lot of people. I will say it again; we are not meant to bite our tongues with the words that God has given us! He gave us all a voice to use!
You've got a heart as loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Maybe we're a little different
There's no need to be ashamed
You've got a heart as loud as lions so why let your voice be tamed? Wow, can anyone say 'powerful lyric?' What is it that the Bible says? From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks? Yeah, that's it! Luke 6:45. I'm giving this a fresh look. What is in your heart determines your voice. If your heart is roaring like a lion, why isn't your voice? Our hearts are not awakened for us to remain asleep. Why are we lions walking around in sheep's skin? As Christians, we are different from the world. At least we should be. We. cannot. be. ashamed! The world needs to hear our roar! Even within the church we get silenced. The beat of my heart may be different from yours. It probably is and that's okay. God gives us each a unique heartbeat so that together we can fulfill each part of His Kingdom.
You've got the light to fight the shadows
So stop hiding it away
Come on, come on
The shadows are large and they are many. But the shadows are no match for the light in our hearts. If you had the cure for AIDS, would you keep it a secret? We succumb to the idea that the small light that we offer cannot possibly make a difference. There is an enormous amount of darkness in the world. If we don't shine any light on it, there will cease to be light. Darkness is simply the absence of light. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe your world is so dark because you have not cast light on it? My neighborhood has streetlights every 100 yards or so. I always notice immediately when one of them is out. I don't know that by looking directly at the source of light. I know it because I see the darkness in the area where there should be light. Darkness makes navigation harder and gives evil an easier time of showing itself. Darkness cannot be where light is present. I admit that I am guilty of blowing the whistle on the shadows when my light is turned off. How can I despair over darkness when I am doing nothing to dispel it? It's time to shut up or shine bright.
If the truth has been forbidden
Then we're breaking all the rules
Oooh, this is a big one. The truth is nearly forbidden in this country. Christians are attacked for believing in truth. So we're breaking all the rules. Outlaws for Christ, baby!
Let's get the TV and the radio
To play our tune again
It's 'bout time we got some airplay of our version of events
There's no need to be afraid
I will sing with you my friend
We once had a voice for God in the media. It is rapidly being stripped away. Let's speak a little louder. Let's be firm. Let's get back in the media and get them to play our tune of truth again. Our version of events is no longer heard. It's too offensive and exclusionary. No one cares to hear what Christians really think and believe beyond what secular media has to say about us. We have been scared into silence. If we join together we can sing loud and proud and not be afraid.
*Note: This was written long ago, before I learned how the media really works. I made it sound so simple but it's not. There is a good bit on television about Christianity and much of it looks legit. If you look past the surface at the bigger picture you will see that these productions are really meant to discredit Christianity. I found this in my drafts and I have no idea why I didn't post it sooner.
Read All About It Part III by Emeli Sande
What a great song. I have always appreciated it, but I have been thinking about it in a different light recently. Though a secular song, it can easily be used in a spiritual way. I'm going to break down the lyrics and explain.
You've got the words to change a nation
But you're biting your tongue
You've spent a life time stuck in silence
Afraid you'll say something wrong
If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?
We have so much to say. On some level we know the power within us. We know what needs to be done but we're holding back. We are not meant to bite our tongues with the words that God has given us. These words were meant to change our church, our nation, our world.
Sometimes we fear that we will say the wrong thing. Maybe our words will not be in God's will. Maybe someone will be offended. Maybe you will scare someone off. Maybe you will not be liked by someone or by a lot of people. I will say it again; we are not meant to bite our tongues with the words that God has given us! He gave us all a voice to use!
You've got a heart as loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Maybe we're a little different
There's no need to be ashamed
You've got a heart as loud as lions so why let your voice be tamed? Wow, can anyone say 'powerful lyric?' What is it that the Bible says? From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks? Yeah, that's it! Luke 6:45. I'm giving this a fresh look. What is in your heart determines your voice. If your heart is roaring like a lion, why isn't your voice? Our hearts are not awakened for us to remain asleep. Why are we lions walking around in sheep's skin? As Christians, we are different from the world. At least we should be. We. cannot. be. ashamed! The world needs to hear our roar! Even within the church we get silenced. The beat of my heart may be different from yours. It probably is and that's okay. God gives us each a unique heartbeat so that together we can fulfill each part of His Kingdom.
You've got the light to fight the shadows
So stop hiding it away
Come on, come on
The shadows are large and they are many. But the shadows are no match for the light in our hearts. If you had the cure for AIDS, would you keep it a secret? We succumb to the idea that the small light that we offer cannot possibly make a difference. There is an enormous amount of darkness in the world. If we don't shine any light on it, there will cease to be light. Darkness is simply the absence of light. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe your world is so dark because you have not cast light on it? My neighborhood has streetlights every 100 yards or so. I always notice immediately when one of them is out. I don't know that by looking directly at the source of light. I know it because I see the darkness in the area where there should be light. Darkness makes navigation harder and gives evil an easier time of showing itself. Darkness cannot be where light is present. I admit that I am guilty of blowing the whistle on the shadows when my light is turned off. How can I despair over darkness when I am doing nothing to dispel it? It's time to shut up or shine bright.
If the truth has been forbidden
Then we're breaking all the rules
Oooh, this is a big one. The truth is nearly forbidden in this country. Christians are attacked for believing in truth. So we're breaking all the rules. Outlaws for Christ, baby!
Let's get the TV and the radio
To play our tune again
It's 'bout time we got some airplay of our version of events
There's no need to be afraid
I will sing with you my friend
We once had a voice for God in the media. It is rapidly being stripped away. Let's speak a little louder. Let's be firm. Let's get back in the media and get them to play our tune of truth again. Our version of events is no longer heard. It's too offensive and exclusionary. No one cares to hear what Christians really think and believe beyond what secular media has to say about us. We have been scared into silence. If we join together we can sing loud and proud and not be afraid.
*Note: This was written long ago, before I learned how the media really works. I made it sound so simple but it's not. There is a good bit on television about Christianity and much of it looks legit. If you look past the surface at the bigger picture you will see that these productions are really meant to discredit Christianity. I found this in my drafts and I have no idea why I didn't post it sooner.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
I'm baaaaack! Here's what happened in 2015!
I put off writing this for weeks. Maybe it's because I didn't want to relive the past year. Maybe it's because I knew that I would have to share it, which makes no sense because the whole purpose of writing this is to explain myself and apologize. I want everyone to understand where I've been. I will not qualify my experiences any further, for you will interpret them as you wish. So here goes...
2015 really sucked! A little backstory is necessary for you to get the picture. In 2014 I chose a theme word for the year. My word was "RISK." 2014 was about embracing risk and living it out. I believe I embodied it in my own way. I was more persistent than usual. I risked my biggest dreams, taking chances on jobs that I really wanted. I risked heartbreak in that way. In December 2014, I was turned down for a job at Heartlight Ministries. I really thought that Heartlight was God's answer to my prayer because of the way it came up so spontaneously. It seemed like the perfect opportunity for me as well as a logical next step for my desired career path. To be denied that opportunity was unacceptable to me.
Here is where I have a problem. It has to do with how I subconsciously view my experiences. It's like I take 'no' as 'never' rather than 'not right now' or 'not this way.' Persistent I am not. When I hit a wall I turn around rather than finding another way. One of the spiritual lies that tends to creep into my mind is that God won't fulfill my dreams, that He will dangle them in front of me only to snatch them away when I get really excited. I often feel like I'm being teased when I see something that I want and I don't get it. Like, why do I have to see a job posting if nothing is to come of it? It should just stay off my radar! Let me just say that that is no was to think of the God of the universe! He is not about teasing you or manipulating you or hiding things from you. Anyway, as incorrect as those ideas are, that is how I felt.
Sometimes risk results in a fall. I fell. I broke. There's nothing wrong with that. But I didn't get up right away. Instead I squirmed and flailed about in the broken shards of my dreams, hurting myself more. So at the beginning of last year I was in a funk. I began to shut down on God while going through the motions. I had to hold it together to some extent because I had a lot of spiritual responsibility. I was overseeing two young ladies in mentoring relationships and I was serving on the worship team at church. I felt strapped down in a place I didn't want to be, a church I knew I didn't belong in anymore. I was kicking myself for committing myself to leadership when I knew I wanted out.
I cut back on church involvement and told the leaders that I was leaving. I picked a terrible week to have those conversations. I'm getting personal here, but it's relevant. Unbeknownst to me, it was the week that my period would come. You see, I have PCOS,(polycystic ovarian syndrome), so I don't have regular periods. It had been a year and a half since the last one, so think PMS times 18 (not literally, but you know what I mean). My emotions were ridiculous. So if I talked to you then and you're reading this, I hope this explains my crazy. PCOS does some unfriendly things to your body.
Emotionally, I was a mess. Spiritually, I was falling apart. Physically, I was buying time that I didn't have and harming my body. In June 2014, I started having pain in my knee. I rested it off and on, but was too impatient to rest completely so I ignored the pain. On some level, I think I was desperately clinging to the one thing that was still good in my life. Eventually the aches and pains started to snowball and I had to stop the sports. My physical therapist told me that when there is pain in more than one area, you tend to notice the one screaming the loudest. She was referring to physical pain, but I think the same is true when you consider emotional pain and other types. I was in pain in every sense. I was losing nearly everything important to me. Depression was lurking. Chronic pain leads to anxiety and depression, which worsens the pain. PCOS also contributes to depression and mental illness. I'm a firm believer in the psychosomatic connection. My guess is that much of my pain is stress stored in my body as well as a physical manifestation of negative emotions that weren't well-handled. There were a bunch of things that happened in 2014 that I hadn't properly processed. In June of last year it all caught up to me. I had to stop playing sports so my body could heal.
After leaving my church I was initially excited, or maybe I pretended to be because I should have been. But I quickly slipped further into depression as I got tired of trying to hold on. To me the experience was like a breakup. You're sad because of the memories, nervous about putting your heart back on the market, and excited because you know there's a better fit out there for you. I intended to look for a new church home but instead I shut God out.I stopped going to church. It was like I couldn't go. I would make plans to visit a church and I would drive there, only to sit in the parking lot, unable to leave my car. A couple of times I went to my parents' church because I could be with my family. However, I felt like an outsider in church, a place that I have spent nearly every Sunday in my whole life. I lost all desire for it and I didn't miss it. The only thing I missed was the many hugs that I got every Sunday and Wednesday. What I felt was relief that I didn't have to be there. I was no longer anchored by commitments to serve. The term for this is burnout, and man was I burnt out!
One week I sat in the parking lot of Alive Community Church. The back door was open, so I sat in my car and listened to some of the worship music. Maybe I couldn't go in the building (where I knew I would be embraced and loved), but it was a step in the right direction. I didn't know how to navigate the path I was on. It was absolutely foreign to me to not want to be in church. I stopped caring about things that are very important to me. I broke a vow I had with myself and crossed boundaries without second thought and without guilt. Apathy is a scary place. You know you should care but you don't. Maybe you'd rather feel guilt than emptiness. The only thing I was apologetic for was hurting other people in the process and dragging them down with me. I was living out the saying "Hurt people hurt people."
When things aren't going well, I isolate myself. Isolation was my defense and my destruction. Not only did I not talk to people who cared about me, I just vanished. To my friends, I'm sorry I disappeared on you. If you thought I gave up on you, I didn't. I just couldn't deal. To my family, I'm sorry that you had to be concerned. To God, I'm sorry that I hardly talked to you when I needed you most. Thanks to the people who reached through my darkness to take my hand. I love you and appreciate you. When I finally decided to come out of hiding, I had some challenges and setbacks. I wanted to shut down again but I had encouragement.
The last few months of 2015 were dedicated to fixing my body and my mindset. I finally got into physical therapy, over a year late and with extra broken parts. I went to Toastmasters a few times, reawakening my vision for public speaking. I attended a small group where I was invited to lead worship. That was one of the most healing experiences because I could finally use my voice. I started going to a church that put me right to work with some awesome people :) I will have to tell you about that in another post. All in all, the year ended much better than it started.
Where am I now? In light of chronic pain, PCOS, spiritual rebellion, and some structural issues with my body, I was a recipe for disaster. My physical recovery has not progressed as I had hoped; I still have a long way to go. I'm not nearly as depressed as I was, but I have a good bit of anxiety. My spiritual fire is at a fraction of where it used to be, but I'm on my way back up. I have good people in my life and I'm supported. I'm trying to be more aware of unpleasant emotions and work through them. That's why I'm writing, and why I avoided this one for so long.
Writing is very important to me, but I'm usually not very disciplined about doing it. Lately I have been writing 15 minutes a day (30 minutes if I miss a day). People say that I'm ''hard to read," "hard to get to know well," "holding back," "I need to let my walls down", etc. I won't go into how frustrating that is but I will say that I can be very vulnerable with my written pieces. I hope they clarify to you what I can't seem to express otherwise. If you want to know me better, I suggest you read what I write. If I know you're reading, I will write more. After all, this isn't for me but for you. Given that it has been a couple of years, I'm a bit rusty. However, I'm getting a lot of practice lately ;)
I want to end this manifesto with something positive. Sometimes God has to do a complete reworking of everything we know in order to move us forward. All the things that hinder us have to be stripped away. We have to be broken of the things that falsely keep us together. Looking at my life from that perspective, I can see a systematic breakdown of everything. Now I'm starting with a new blueprint. I read something recently about how the same elements and materials can be used to build completely different things based on the plans of the builder. We go through stages in life where our buildings are knocked down. We keep the same elements but rearrange them as our priorities and vision change and we build something new.
As 2015 ended, I got the feeling that I am on the edge of a breakthrough. Something big is about to happen, and I'm excited to see what it is! Stay tuned to stay in the loop! This post was all about me because I had to get some stuff out of the way, but I have some pending material that will get you engaged. As always, comments are welcome!
Love,
Shep
Shoutouts!! ♥♥♥
Thanks to Audrey for staying in touch, for your encouragement, and for always being my prayer warrior.
Thanks to Lorisa for keeping after me through text message to make sure I stay social....and for making me s'mores pancakes on my birthday!
Thanks to Pastor Steve, Deanne, and Dee for always making me feel like a rock star and for putting my talents to use. Your support is everything!
Thanks to Kelly for reaching out and inviting me to small group.
Thanks to Devin for your encouragement and your prayers and thanks for reading!
Thanks to Lauren for being a friend to me when I was a mess, even if you didn't know how much I was hurting.
2015 really sucked! A little backstory is necessary for you to get the picture. In 2014 I chose a theme word for the year. My word was "RISK." 2014 was about embracing risk and living it out. I believe I embodied it in my own way. I was more persistent than usual. I risked my biggest dreams, taking chances on jobs that I really wanted. I risked heartbreak in that way. In December 2014, I was turned down for a job at Heartlight Ministries. I really thought that Heartlight was God's answer to my prayer because of the way it came up so spontaneously. It seemed like the perfect opportunity for me as well as a logical next step for my desired career path. To be denied that opportunity was unacceptable to me.
Here is where I have a problem. It has to do with how I subconsciously view my experiences. It's like I take 'no' as 'never' rather than 'not right now' or 'not this way.' Persistent I am not. When I hit a wall I turn around rather than finding another way. One of the spiritual lies that tends to creep into my mind is that God won't fulfill my dreams, that He will dangle them in front of me only to snatch them away when I get really excited. I often feel like I'm being teased when I see something that I want and I don't get it. Like, why do I have to see a job posting if nothing is to come of it? It should just stay off my radar! Let me just say that that is no was to think of the God of the universe! He is not about teasing you or manipulating you or hiding things from you. Anyway, as incorrect as those ideas are, that is how I felt.
Sometimes risk results in a fall. I fell. I broke. There's nothing wrong with that. But I didn't get up right away. Instead I squirmed and flailed about in the broken shards of my dreams, hurting myself more. So at the beginning of last year I was in a funk. I began to shut down on God while going through the motions. I had to hold it together to some extent because I had a lot of spiritual responsibility. I was overseeing two young ladies in mentoring relationships and I was serving on the worship team at church. I felt strapped down in a place I didn't want to be, a church I knew I didn't belong in anymore. I was kicking myself for committing myself to leadership when I knew I wanted out.
I cut back on church involvement and told the leaders that I was leaving. I picked a terrible week to have those conversations. I'm getting personal here, but it's relevant. Unbeknownst to me, it was the week that my period would come. You see, I have PCOS,(polycystic ovarian syndrome), so I don't have regular periods. It had been a year and a half since the last one, so think PMS times 18 (not literally, but you know what I mean). My emotions were ridiculous. So if I talked to you then and you're reading this, I hope this explains my crazy. PCOS does some unfriendly things to your body.
Emotionally, I was a mess. Spiritually, I was falling apart. Physically, I was buying time that I didn't have and harming my body. In June 2014, I started having pain in my knee. I rested it off and on, but was too impatient to rest completely so I ignored the pain. On some level, I think I was desperately clinging to the one thing that was still good in my life. Eventually the aches and pains started to snowball and I had to stop the sports. My physical therapist told me that when there is pain in more than one area, you tend to notice the one screaming the loudest. She was referring to physical pain, but I think the same is true when you consider emotional pain and other types. I was in pain in every sense. I was losing nearly everything important to me. Depression was lurking. Chronic pain leads to anxiety and depression, which worsens the pain. PCOS also contributes to depression and mental illness. I'm a firm believer in the psychosomatic connection. My guess is that much of my pain is stress stored in my body as well as a physical manifestation of negative emotions that weren't well-handled. There were a bunch of things that happened in 2014 that I hadn't properly processed. In June of last year it all caught up to me. I had to stop playing sports so my body could heal.
After leaving my church I was initially excited, or maybe I pretended to be because I should have been. But I quickly slipped further into depression as I got tired of trying to hold on. To me the experience was like a breakup. You're sad because of the memories, nervous about putting your heart back on the market, and excited because you know there's a better fit out there for you. I intended to look for a new church home but instead I shut God out.I stopped going to church. It was like I couldn't go. I would make plans to visit a church and I would drive there, only to sit in the parking lot, unable to leave my car. A couple of times I went to my parents' church because I could be with my family. However, I felt like an outsider in church, a place that I have spent nearly every Sunday in my whole life. I lost all desire for it and I didn't miss it. The only thing I missed was the many hugs that I got every Sunday and Wednesday. What I felt was relief that I didn't have to be there. I was no longer anchored by commitments to serve. The term for this is burnout, and man was I burnt out!
One week I sat in the parking lot of Alive Community Church. The back door was open, so I sat in my car and listened to some of the worship music. Maybe I couldn't go in the building (where I knew I would be embraced and loved), but it was a step in the right direction. I didn't know how to navigate the path I was on. It was absolutely foreign to me to not want to be in church. I stopped caring about things that are very important to me. I broke a vow I had with myself and crossed boundaries without second thought and without guilt. Apathy is a scary place. You know you should care but you don't. Maybe you'd rather feel guilt than emptiness. The only thing I was apologetic for was hurting other people in the process and dragging them down with me. I was living out the saying "Hurt people hurt people."
When things aren't going well, I isolate myself. Isolation was my defense and my destruction. Not only did I not talk to people who cared about me, I just vanished. To my friends, I'm sorry I disappeared on you. If you thought I gave up on you, I didn't. I just couldn't deal. To my family, I'm sorry that you had to be concerned. To God, I'm sorry that I hardly talked to you when I needed you most. Thanks to the people who reached through my darkness to take my hand. I love you and appreciate you. When I finally decided to come out of hiding, I had some challenges and setbacks. I wanted to shut down again but I had encouragement.
The last few months of 2015 were dedicated to fixing my body and my mindset. I finally got into physical therapy, over a year late and with extra broken parts. I went to Toastmasters a few times, reawakening my vision for public speaking. I attended a small group where I was invited to lead worship. That was one of the most healing experiences because I could finally use my voice. I started going to a church that put me right to work with some awesome people :) I will have to tell you about that in another post. All in all, the year ended much better than it started.
Where am I now? In light of chronic pain, PCOS, spiritual rebellion, and some structural issues with my body, I was a recipe for disaster. My physical recovery has not progressed as I had hoped; I still have a long way to go. I'm not nearly as depressed as I was, but I have a good bit of anxiety. My spiritual fire is at a fraction of where it used to be, but I'm on my way back up. I have good people in my life and I'm supported. I'm trying to be more aware of unpleasant emotions and work through them. That's why I'm writing, and why I avoided this one for so long.
Writing is very important to me, but I'm usually not very disciplined about doing it. Lately I have been writing 15 minutes a day (30 minutes if I miss a day). People say that I'm ''hard to read," "hard to get to know well," "holding back," "I need to let my walls down", etc. I won't go into how frustrating that is but I will say that I can be very vulnerable with my written pieces. I hope they clarify to you what I can't seem to express otherwise. If you want to know me better, I suggest you read what I write. If I know you're reading, I will write more. After all, this isn't for me but for you. Given that it has been a couple of years, I'm a bit rusty. However, I'm getting a lot of practice lately ;)
I want to end this manifesto with something positive. Sometimes God has to do a complete reworking of everything we know in order to move us forward. All the things that hinder us have to be stripped away. We have to be broken of the things that falsely keep us together. Looking at my life from that perspective, I can see a systematic breakdown of everything. Now I'm starting with a new blueprint. I read something recently about how the same elements and materials can be used to build completely different things based on the plans of the builder. We go through stages in life where our buildings are knocked down. We keep the same elements but rearrange them as our priorities and vision change and we build something new.
As 2015 ended, I got the feeling that I am on the edge of a breakthrough. Something big is about to happen, and I'm excited to see what it is! Stay tuned to stay in the loop! This post was all about me because I had to get some stuff out of the way, but I have some pending material that will get you engaged. As always, comments are welcome!
Love,
Shep
Shoutouts!! ♥♥♥
Thanks to Audrey for staying in touch, for your encouragement, and for always being my prayer warrior.
Thanks to Lorisa for keeping after me through text message to make sure I stay social....and for making me s'mores pancakes on my birthday!
Thanks to Pastor Steve, Deanne, and Dee for always making me feel like a rock star and for putting my talents to use. Your support is everything!
Thanks to Kelly for reaching out and inviting me to small group.
Thanks to Devin for your encouragement and your prayers and thanks for reading!
Thanks to Lauren for being a friend to me when I was a mess, even if you didn't know how much I was hurting.
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