Blackhead

(Written in January 2019)

Have you seen the video about removing the 20-year-old blackhead?! Can you imagine letting something fester in you for so long? Like, how did you not address that before it became a tumor under your skin? Even if you couldn't reach it, get someone else to clear that thing out! But I was thinking, how much do we let emotional blackheads grow? Our skin is full of holes, openings where toxins are released and bacteria can get in. When bacteria get trapped in those pores, blackheads form. Just as nasty stuff gets in our skin, nasty things get caught up in our minds, like mental blackheads. These can be much easier to overlook than the ones on our skin. If something gets caught in there that you don't want in there and aren't aware of, it continues to grow.

The blackhead at the skin level get bigger and becomes a plug. Normal blackheads are squishy and sticky, but plugs are thicker and tougher. When removed, they leave a more obvious mark because they took up more space. They took up residence where they had no business being. That's what happens in our minds when we let something negative creep in.

For example, say that someone says something to you that you interpret as critical toward you, and you internalize it. You start to have negative feelings toward that person. Now, every time you interact with them, you think of that negative association. However, you don't address that instance. Instead, you let that negativity develop further. You have your guard up around that person until one day, it happens again. This time, it was more than a slight. They definitely said something rude to you. Well, that blackhead just got bigger. You may never resolve your issue with that person but you encounter many other situations that add to that blackhead. Eventually, 20 years have gone by and that thing you left untreated....it requires surgical removal.

The blackhead has invaded. It's not just at the surface of the skin. It has grown outward underneath the skin, so it can't simply be squeezed or plucked out. It requires cutting the skin, and once removed, it leaves a gaping hole. That hole leaves the flesh vulnerable to new infection, so the wound must be packed or stitched.

Take a moment to think of the potential emotional/mental blackheads lurking in your mind. That little speck that got a little too comfortable, taking up space in your brain. That thing that became a "thing." It grew bigger and you neglected to remove it when it would have been less painful to do so. Now it doesn't come out easily. You wonder how you overlooked this massive, ugly thing. Can you imagine if we were as attentive to our mental "skin" as we are our physical skin? If we took the care to wash it or at the very least examine it every day, or every week even, to make sure everything was okay? If we did an inventory of the hurts, offenses, and blemishes that we see before they can take residence in our minds?

I don't think we think about the things that people see that we don't think they can see. Like coworker who makes comments about a certain subject. You can feel through their tone that they have an attitude about that subject. Or your friend who teases people too much but can't take being the center of a joke. How much more unattractive do you think it is for people to see your mental blackheads than your physical ones? Uh, congratulations on your face, but your inner person could use a makeover?

That thing that has grown for decades doesn't leave easily. It has gotten really comfortable. If you just pick and pull at it with tweezers, you'll break it up, but little bits will still be left in there. You need a complete excavation for healing to happen. What blackheads/plugs will you get rid of today?

Note to Self (and to all women)

I have noticed that women are like rebounding nets. Every compliment or affirmation you throw a woman's way is almost guaranteed to come back. She may weakly lob it back to you, or she might hurl it violently back at you, but she won't accept it without resistance or denial. What she won't tell you is that deep inside she is excited to hear those compliments and positive words. She delights in them and wants to hear more but she berates herself for feeling that way. Woman has been taught that desiring affirmation makes her needy and needy is not desirable.

Woman is the master of deflection, a super-goalie of the heart, not letting soccer balls of love into her soul. The enemy has been lying to her. He started out with little lies, and when woman believed those, he started telling bigger lies. Suddenly woman hates herself and she doesn't know why. She feels unworthy of attention and undeserving of love. She thinks the essence of her life is underwhelming. There is nothing spectacular about her; that is what she would tell you.

However, woman has so many cheerleaders. There is something about her that the people in her life could brag to you about. She is loyal. She is caring. She is creative. She nurtures others. She sees beyond the walls. But she doesn't know how great she is. Rare is the woman who rejects all the lies inside. Rare is she who is confident and comfortable in herself. Rare is the woman who accepts without argument the idea of her amazingness. It is so easy for others to see the strong and admirable qualities in her but she doesn't embrace them in herself. This leaves those around her more frustrated because "she doesn't get it." Why can't she see how awesome she is? A woman will praise her peers all day but struggle to name one good thing about herself. 

Ladies, if you are complimented on or encouraged about a strength that is God-given, embrace it and apply yourself to making that thing better. Hone that skill, sharpen that quality, so that others can benefit more fully from what you have to offer. Stop crying into your pillow about what you don't have and what you aren't qualified to do and make something of what is already yours! You don't do much good for the Kingdom if you are trying to be your sister or neighbor or pastor's wife!
____________________
Insecurity can easily be mistaken for humility. There was a time that I was talking to a guy about becoming a personal trainer with a company that I used to work for. I guess I had told him that I had been dragging my heels because I was scared of the implications of responsibility, success, failure. I didn't feel like I was suited for the level of professionalism that I was taking on (having been independently training up to that point). He said I was humble and I could sense the respect that he had for me. I was thinking "Where did he get that impression?! He is sorely mistaken!" Humility does not involve the level of doubt that I was experiencing at that time. I couldn't even imagine how I would keep a client engaged for a whole hour! Go ahead, laugh at me, because I do.

Humility is acknowledging your ability, capability, and capacity without elevating yourself. Insecurity is uncertainty, a lack of confidence, and self-derogation. It is important to know the difference between downplaying your strengths (humility) and putting yourself down (insecurity). Insecurity dismisses, humility considers or accepts. Insecurity says "There's no way you can do that!" Humility says "It's  possible."

 It IS possible, with God. It's more than okay to be unsure about doing something in your own power. Actually, it's recommended. Self-reliance is pride, and I am oh so guilty of self-reliance! Humility recognizes that strength is from God and is dependent on Him. When you cultivate what God has placed in you, then it's time to take it to Him and let Him complete the work. I pray that you and I are able to throw off all fear and insecurity and trust in the One who gives peace and boldness.

Shine on, beautiful!
~sweetlybrokenshep~

Packing Light

These are some passages from the book Packing Light: Thoughts on Living Life with Less Baggage by Allison Vesterfelt. Quotes are italicized, my responses are not. These are only some snippets of the book that impacted me. I realize that you won't get the full context and impact that I did unless you read the whole text (which I recommend), but I think you'll get the idea. Some of my thoughts were written a couple of years ago I think, and some were added today.


"Wanting something meant feeling the pain of not having it, and feeling the pain of chasing it down."
 There is something about wanting that is inherently painful. I don't know about you, but there have been times that I've wanted something so much it literally hurt. Not having what you want means you have to wait. That experience will stretch you and that is also painful. Which part is worse, feeling the pain of not having something, or the pain of chasing it down? The way Allison phrases this sentence makes whatever she wanted sound really elusive. How do you chase down something you can't quite put your finger on?


"We're scared to choose anything--a school, a job, a spouse--because choosing one thing means letting go of several others. But sometimes having limited options is a blessing. It makes it easier to choose our path, and choosing means we get to zoom in and enjoy our one, complicated, imperfect path, instead of trying to halfway entertain a bunch of others. No matter which school we pick, it won't be perfect. No matter who we marry, our spouse will have flaws. But choosing means jumping in and accepting that path for all of its triumphs and trials. It means letting go of other roads, but in the end, it's better than never really choosing anything at all."
 Whew, this really resonates with me! I'm terribly indecisive. Possibilities paralyze me. I'm guilty of "halfway entertaining" things. It's a strength and a weakness. It makes me flexible but mediocre. This is why my word for 2016 was direction.* I need to jump in and choose a road and ride out the triumphs and trials. Choosing means letting go of other options, but it's better than never choosing anything.

"We can't measure the value of our decisions based on outcomes. Most of life is not an outcome. Most of life is unfolding on the road in front of us. The "outcome" can change as fast as the scenery." "Sometimes there are not right and wrong decision. There are just different choices with different benefits, different ramifications, and different baggage."
It's not about the destination but the journey. The road we choose may or may not take us to our desired or expected destination, but hopefully we're better off for having taken the journey. Part of the adventure is in not having a concrete outcome. Outcomes change like scenery or the seasons. It is important to be flexible so you don't miss the lessons along the way.

"As scared as I was of chaos and the unknown, I was equally scared of the mundane and predictable. In fact, I felt caught between the two. Which one was I supposed to choose? I was desperate for a road map, something concrete and definitive that would answer all these questions. At the same time I worried I would take all the right turns, make all the right steps, follow all the directions, and at the end would find out the terrain of my life was meaningless and boring. I told God all of this, and He just listened."
I feel like this. It's like I'm already living the mundane and predictable, but everything else is so unsure and unpredictable. How can I know that it will result in anything worthwhile? I could do all the things I think I'm supposed to do, the things I think I want to do, and still be miserable. At least the difference there would be that I went on some kind of adventure rather than sitting motionless, not taking a chance that there would be something more fulfilling on the other side. 


"I want to be the kind of writer who is awake to the realities of heaven, but engaged in the realities of this world. I pictured myself throwing a lasso around the feeling I had right now, in the middle of nowhere, and dragging it with me back to civilization. That's what I hoped I could do with words. I hoped I could invite people into realities they had never experienced. I hoped I could wake them up to a life they wanted to be living. I would give up anything to keep this feeling--the feeling of being close to Him."
Whenever I open my mouth or spill out my thoughts on paper or on this screen, I hope to challenge you into new ways of thinking. What I contribute should make you ponder something, challenge your worldview, or make you ask questions of yourself or the world you live in. Ultimately, I hope to connect you to our Creator through my experience of connection with Him.

"So the problem with expectations, if there is a problem, is that our expectations aren't big enough to hold the possibilities that will unfold in front of us. Our single perspective is so limited. Vision changes everything. Sometimes we need to change locations in order to see something amazing, but sometimes it's simpler than that. Sometimes what we need is to change our perspective. It's not about ignoring expectations, or lowering them. It's about letting the events of our journey shape our expectations, even as they shape us. If the location where you're standing is less than energizing, check your vision. don't abandon your expectations. Try to see them from a different perspective. 
Maybe if we mastered the art of expecting the unusual, we would start experiencing the unusual. Maybe we have more control over the direction of our lives than we think. Maybe we should live our lives in a constant state of expectation, always curious and excited about the possibilities that could unfold in front of us. Maybe it is our sense of vision that colors our reality. " 
I know that there are realities far beyond my feeble imagination. But my perspective is so small. How have you enriched your life by altering your perspective rather than your expectations?

 "Maybe we missed something at Mt. Rushmore because we hadn't taken long enough to look around. Maybe we gave up too easily."
Oof.

"Just expect amazing scenery, without knowing what it will look like. Don't try to imagine it, just know it will come. That way, when it comes and it looks different than you expect, you won't miss it." 
This. One of the scariest ideas is the thought of missing out on something because it looks different than you expected. Once you imagine something, you kind of put a boundary or limitation on it. Your thoughts put a concrete definition to something that is much more insubstantial. Then, when you start looking for that thing, your expectations may not be met because "the thing" actually looks completely different.

*Actually, my word for 2016 became breakthrough, but for me direction and breakthrough can be intermingled.

Buy the book!

Mystery Ride: Part 1

Don't try to figure it out, just enjoy the ride. It's what someone says when they are taking you for a surprise. It's also how I'm trying to view my life right now. There is so much to experience; life is but one great adventure. I have so many ideas of what I want those experiences to be, and I'm really good at holding out for them. I feel that I won't be able to hit certain milestones without hitting certain other ones first. For example, I don't believe that I will surrender my heart to a man and marry him until I have traveled a bit and done some things that require great faith and risk. But who am I to say that things need to happen in that sequence? What if the journey looks different than I have pictured it? What if I have it backwards, and all that crazy amazingness happens after I've settled down with my future husband? So now I'm trying to accept that how the adventure happens is not as important as enjoying the adventure itself.

 Facebook reminded me that I must have been thinking some of the same things five years ago.This is not the first time that I wrote about something that paralleled my experience at the same time in a previous year. That's just a reminder of how cyclical life is. I shared this quote in March  2013.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
--Joseph Campbell

I agree with this quote.....but why is it so stinking hard to execute? The plans I have for myself might not be the best ones for me. What would it look like if I could really surrender myself to life as it happens? To go for something and not be afraid that it would throw off the picture I already have in my head? I want to be ok with erasing that picture and letting another beautiful thing replace it. So far, I suck at surrender. If anything, I'm in overdrive working to make some of my plans come to fruition. This could end in elation or heartbreak, but I don't think I'll be satisfied until I give it my all. Join me on this adventure to find out how it unfolds. To be continued.....

Leap of Faith

I was once at a playground watching a man and his son having an exchange. The dad wanted his little boy to jump from a platform about eight feet high. The boy was obviously scared to jump. The man kept reassuring his son that he would be caught and it was safe to jump. Dad held out his arms and the boy started to work up the nerve to jump. He eventually stepped off the platform, but he wasn't fully committed. He kept his hand on the railing, hindering his jump. The dad couldn't catch the boy properly because of the son's lack of trust and the fear that kept his hand on safety. There was a pole next to the dad, and the boy hit his head on it during the fall.

 I couldn't help but imagine how shattered the son's trust in his dad would be from that moment forward. In his little mind, his daddy had encouraged this dangerous act, certain that he would catch his little boy. That situation could become a defining moment in that boy's life. But sadly, if he had released his hand from the railing, he would have landed safely in his daddy's arms. I'm sure the dad felt awful that he wasn't able to keep his son safe and unharmed. That had to be so embarassing. I was very sad for both of them.

Maybe you can see where I'm going with this. I know that the leap-from-the-cliff example is an obvious one, as it has been used many times. However, I'm adding the bit about letting go of the railing. God wants us to step out in faith because He has us. We will land in His arms if we trust Him. The problem is that, in our fear, in those moments that we aren't sure that the landing is guaranteed to be safe, we try to hold on to the bit of security and control we think we have. Imagine that you are cliff-diving. You step up to the edge and look down into the cerulean sea, first noticing that right below where you are standing is an extrusion of jagged rocks. You have to be all in to make this jump. If you don't get far enough out, you won't clear those rocks and you will be seriously hurt. If you retreat for a running start, then start to slow and change your mind, you put yourself in more danger than if you had just committed to the leap.

God is the father telling us it's okay to leave the ledge. If God is asking us to make a leap of faith, it doesn't do us any good to hold on to doubt. We have to completely surrender to have the full, beautiful experience. There is exhilaration in being uncertain but taking the chance anyway.

What if that boy on the playground had fullly trusted his dad and jumped without hesitation? The dad would have caught his son, who would have laughed and raced up to make another leap. This is what happens when we fully surrender to the call of our Heavenly Father. Though scared, we jump with reckless abandon. He catches us. We trust Him. Later, He asks us to jump again. We remember how He proved trustworthy by catching us the time before. So we jump again. And so on and so forth.....

Smashing Trash

        Yesterday I saw this really cool machine at Walgreens. You put trash bags in it and it smashes them down so you can fit more garbage in the can. It is efficient and saves the company money on trash disposal services. But my first thought after, "Wow, that's awesome!" was about how messy the inside of that fancy machine must get. Commercial-use trash bags are not known for their durability. I've seen them tear very easily. I pictured nasty bits of food and goo getting squeezed out of their pitiful bags and stinking up the inside of the can. What seems to be handy and efficient at first glance can get really yucky without the proper care.

This is how I am with my emotions. I have stuffed and packed and stuffed and packed so much inside that I don't even remember all of what is in there. But I know when it starts to stink and it is time to empty the receptacle. It's great to be able to tuck something away and crush it to oblivion in the dark corners of your mind--it's just not healthy to do that continually. Over the past several months it has been easier for me to pull those emotions out and say what I'm thinking and feeling. Maybe it's because that garbage machine is full and the trash is easily accessible at the top. Maybe I've gotten better at not relying on the crusher so much. Ultimately, it is both of these things, because I have grown.

Have you ever taken the lid off of a trash can, gotten a whiff of its contents, and been able to guess what's inside based on a specific odor? Like you don't know specifically what's in there, but you know it is something containing eggs or meat or onions? Well, I have gotten a whiff of what is inside myself and it's not pleasant. I smell a load of anger.. I may not know all the sources of my anger without further inspection, but I know it is there. I've been tossing little bits of it so often that I easily forget just how much of it is in there. But anger doesn't empty easily. It sticks to everything else in my mind, and the walls of the trash can. The bag in my trash crusher is broken and is releasing some putrid stuff.

When you wait too long to clean something up, it can be unrecognizable. It takes a lot of effort to get the job done. Throughout various jobs I  have had to scrape some calcified or sticky substance off a surface, and I've taken injuries to do it. The cleanup became painful because something that was never meant to be there was allowed to stay and settle in. The same is true of emotional trash. It's always going to be unpleasant to address. However, old messes can be more painful to clean up than fresh ones. So take care of your trash before it takes root and causes a big stink.. Even if you are nose-blind to it, other people will notice the smell.

By the way, I still think the machine is awesome. This is compounded (see what I did there?) by the fact that I was going to write about emotional suppression yesterday anyway. The garbage crusher just gave me a great metaphor.

With peace and love,
Shep

Read All About It

Read All About It

Read All About It Part III by Emeli Sande
What a great song. I have always appreciated it, but I have been thinking about it in a different light recently. Though a secular song, it can easily be used in a spiritual way. I'm going to break down the lyrics and explain.

You've got the words to change a nation
But you're biting your tongue
You've spent a life time stuck in silence
Afraid you'll say something wrong
If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?

We have so much to say. On some level we know the power within us. We know what needs to be done but we're holding back. We are not meant to bite our tongues with the words that God has given us. These words were meant to change our church, our nation, our world.
Sometimes we fear that we will say the wrong thing. Maybe our words will not be in God's will. Maybe someone will be offended. Maybe you will scare someone off. Maybe you will not be liked by someone or by a lot of people. I will say it again; we are not meant to bite our tongues with the words that God has given us! He gave us all a voice to use!

You've got a heart as loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Maybe we're a little different
There's no need to be ashamed

You've got a heart as loud as lions so why let your voice be tamed? Wow, can anyone say 'powerful lyric?' What is it that the Bible says? From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks? Yeah, that's it! Luke 6:45. I'm giving this a fresh look. What is in your heart determines your voice. If your heart is roaring like a lion, why isn't your voice? Our hearts are not awakened for us to remain asleep. Why are we lions walking around in sheep's skin? As Christians, we are different from the world. At least we should be. We. cannot. be. ashamed! The world needs to hear our roar! Even within the church we get silenced. The beat of my heart may be different from yours. It probably is and that's okay. God gives us each a unique heartbeat so that together we can fulfill each part of His Kingdom.

You've got the light to fight the shadows
So stop hiding it away
Come on, come on

The shadows are large and they are many. But the shadows are no match for the light in our hearts. If you had the cure for AIDS, would you keep it a secret? We succumb to the idea that the small light that we offer cannot possibly make a difference. There is an enormous amount of darkness in the world. If we don't shine any light on it, there will cease to be light. Darkness is simply the absence of light. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe your world is so dark because you have not cast light on it? My neighborhood has streetlights every 100 yards or so. I always notice immediately when one of them is out. I don't know that by looking directly at the source of light. I know it because I see the darkness in the area where there should be light. Darkness makes navigation harder and gives evil an easier time of showing itself. Darkness cannot be where light is present. I admit that I am guilty of blowing the whistle on the shadows when my light is turned off. How can I despair over darkness when I am doing nothing to dispel it? It's time to shut up or shine bright.

If the truth has been forbidden
Then we're breaking all the rules

Oooh, this is a big one. The truth is nearly forbidden in this country. Christians are attacked for believing in truth. So we're breaking all the rules. Outlaws for Christ, baby!

Let's get the TV and the radio
To play our tune again
It's 'bout time we got some airplay of our version of events
There's no need to be afraid
I will sing with you my friend

We once had a voice for God in the media. It is rapidly being stripped away.  Let's speak a little louder. Let's be firm. Let's get back in the media and get them to play our tune of truth again. Our version of events is no longer heard. It's too offensive and exclusionary. No one cares to hear what Christians really think and believe beyond what secular media has to say about us. We have been scared into silence. If we join together we can sing loud and proud and not be afraid.


*Note: This was written long ago, before I learned how the media really works. I made it sound so simple but it's not. There is a good bit on television about Christianity and much of it looks legit. If you look past the surface at the bigger picture you will see that these productions are really meant to discredit Christianity. I found this in my drafts and I have no idea why I didn't post it sooner.