I'm baaaaack! Here's what happened in 2015!

     I put off writing this for weeks. Maybe it's because I didn't want to relive the past year. Maybe it's because I knew that I would have to share it, which makes no sense because the whole purpose of writing this is to explain myself and apologize. I want everyone to understand where I've been. I will not qualify my experiences any further, for you will interpret them as you wish. So here goes...
    2015 really sucked!  A little backstory is necessary for you to get the picture. In 2014 I chose a theme word for the year. My word was "RISK." 2014 was about embracing risk and living it out. I believe I embodied it in my own way. I was more persistent than usual. I risked my biggest dreams, taking chances on jobs that I really wanted. I risked heartbreak in that way. In December 2014, I was turned down for a job at Heartlight Ministries. I really thought that Heartlight was God's answer to my prayer because of the way it came up so spontaneously. It seemed like the perfect opportunity for me as well as a logical next step for my desired career path. To be denied that opportunity was unacceptable to me.
    Here is where I have a problem. It has to do with how I subconsciously view my experiences. It's like I take 'no' as 'never' rather than 'not right now' or 'not this way.' Persistent I am not. When I hit a wall I turn around rather than finding another way. One of the spiritual lies that tends to creep into my mind is that God won't fulfill my dreams, that He will dangle them in front of me only to snatch them away when I get really excited. I often feel like I'm being teased when I see something that I want and I don't get it. Like, why do I  have to see a job posting if nothing is to come of it? It should just stay off my radar! Let me just say that that is no was to think of the God of the universe! He is not about teasing you or manipulating you or hiding things from you. Anyway, as incorrect as those ideas are, that is how I felt.
     Sometimes risk results in a fall. I fell. I broke. There's nothing wrong with that. But I didn't get up right away. Instead I squirmed and flailed about in the broken shards of my dreams, hurting myself more. So at the beginning of last year I was in a funk. I began to shut down on God while going through the motions. I had to hold it together to some extent because I had a lot of spiritual responsibility. I was overseeing two young ladies in mentoring relationships and I was serving on the worship team at church. I felt strapped down in a place I didn't want to be, a church I knew I didn't belong in anymore. I was kicking myself for committing myself to leadership when I knew I wanted out.
     I cut back on church involvement and told the leaders that I was leaving. I picked a terrible week to have those conversations. I'm getting personal here, but it's relevant. Unbeknownst to me, it was the week that my period would come. You see, I have PCOS,(polycystic ovarian syndrome), so I don't have regular periods. It had been a year and a half since the last one, so think PMS times 18 (not literally, but you know what I mean). My emotions were ridiculous. So if I talked to you then and you're reading this, I hope this explains my crazy. PCOS does some unfriendly things to your body.
     Emotionally, I was a mess. Spiritually, I was falling apart. Physically, I was buying time that I didn't have and harming my body. In June 2014, I started having pain in my knee. I rested it off and on, but was too impatient to rest completely so I ignored the pain. On some level, I think I was desperately clinging to the one thing that was still good in my life. Eventually the aches and pains started to snowball and I had to stop the sports. My physical therapist told me that when there is pain in more than one area, you tend to notice the one screaming the loudest. She was referring to physical pain, but I think the same is true when you consider emotional pain and other types. I was in pain in every sense. I was losing nearly everything important to me. Depression was lurking. Chronic pain leads to anxiety and depression, which worsens the pain. PCOS also contributes to depression and mental illness.  I'm a firm believer in the psychosomatic connection. My guess is that much of my pain is stress stored in my body as well as a physical manifestation of negative emotions that weren't well-handled. There were a bunch of things that happened in 2014 that I hadn't properly processed. In June of last year it all caught up to me. I had to stop playing sports so my body could heal.
       After leaving my church I was initially excited, or maybe I pretended to be because I should have been. But I quickly slipped further into depression as I got tired of trying to hold on.  To me the experience was like a breakup. You're sad because of the memories, nervous about putting your heart back on the market, and excited because you know there's a better fit out there for you. I intended to look for a new church home but instead I shut God out.I stopped going to church. It was like I couldn't go. I would make plans to visit a church and I would drive there, only to sit in the parking lot, unable to leave my car. A couple of times I went to my parents' church because I could be with my family. However, I felt like an outsider in church, a place that I have spent nearly every Sunday in my whole life. I lost all desire for it and I didn't miss it. The only thing I missed was the many hugs that I got every Sunday and Wednesday. What I felt was relief that I didn't have to be there. I was no longer anchored by commitments to serve. The term for this is burnout, and man was I burnt out!
   One week I sat in the parking lot of Alive Community Church. The back door was open, so I sat in my car and listened to some of the worship music. Maybe I couldn't go in the building (where I knew I would be embraced and loved), but it was a step in the right direction. I didn't know how to navigate the path I was on. It was absolutely foreign to me to not want to be in church. I stopped caring about things that are very important to me. I broke a vow I had with myself and crossed boundaries without second thought and without guilt. Apathy is a scary place. You know you should care but you don't. Maybe you'd rather feel guilt than emptiness. The only thing I was apologetic for was hurting other people in the process and dragging them down with me. I was living out the saying "Hurt people hurt people."
   When things aren't going well, I isolate myself. Isolation was my defense and my destruction. Not only did I not talk to people who cared about me, I just vanished. To my friends, I'm sorry I disappeared on you. If you thought I gave up on you, I didn't. I just couldn't deal. To my family, I'm sorry that you had to be concerned. To God, I'm sorry that I hardly talked to you when I needed you most. Thanks to the people who reached through my darkness to take my hand. I love you and appreciate you. When I finally decided to come out of hiding, I had some challenges and setbacks. I wanted to shut down again but I had encouragement.
    The last few months of  2015 were dedicated to fixing my body and my mindset. I finally got into physical therapy, over a year late and with extra broken parts. I went to Toastmasters a few times, reawakening my vision for public speaking. I attended a small group where I was invited to lead worship. That was one of the most healing experiences because I could finally use my voice. I started going to a church that put me right to work with some awesome people :)  I will have to tell you about that in another post. All in all, the year ended much better than it started.
    Where am I now? In light of chronic pain, PCOS, spiritual rebellion, and some structural issues with my body, I was a recipe for disaster. My physical recovery has not progressed as I had hoped; I still have a long way to go. I'm not nearly as depressed as I was, but I have a good bit of anxiety. My spiritual fire is at a fraction of where it used to be, but I'm on my way back up. I have good people in my life and I'm supported. I'm trying to be more aware of unpleasant emotions and work through them. That's why I'm writing, and why I avoided this one for so long. 
    Writing is very important to me, but I'm usually not very disciplined about doing it. Lately I have been writing 15 minutes a day (30 minutes if I miss a day). People say that I'm ''hard to read," "hard to get to know well," "holding back," "I need to let my walls down", etc. I won't go into how frustrating that is but I will say that I can be very vulnerable with my written pieces. I hope they clarify to you what I can't seem to express otherwise. If you want to know me better, I suggest you read what I write. If I know you're reading, I will write more. After all, this isn't for me but for you. Given that it has been a couple of years, I'm a bit rusty. However, I'm getting a lot of practice lately ;)
     I want to end this manifesto with something positive.  Sometimes God has to do a complete reworking of everything we know in order to move us forward. All the things that hinder us have to be stripped away. We have to be broken of the things that falsely keep us together. Looking at my life from that perspective, I can see a systematic breakdown of everything. Now I'm starting with a new blueprint. I read something recently about how the same elements and materials can be used to build completely different things based on the plans of the builder. We go through stages in life where our buildings are knocked down. We keep the same elements but rearrange them as our priorities and vision change and we build something new.
    As 2015 ended, I got the feeling that I am on the edge of  a breakthrough.  Something big is about to happen, and I'm excited to see what it is! Stay tuned to stay in the loop! This post was all about me because I had to get some stuff out of the way, but I have some pending material that will get you engaged. As always, comments are welcome!

Love,
Shep

Shoutouts!!  ♥♥♥

Thanks to Audrey for staying in touch, for your encouragement, and for always being my prayer warrior.
Thanks to Lorisa for keeping after me through text message to make sure I stay social....and for making me s'mores pancakes on my birthday!
Thanks to Pastor Steve, Deanne, and Dee for always making me feel like a rock star and for putting my talents to use. Your support is everything!
Thanks to Kelly for reaching out and inviting me to small group.
Thanks to Devin for your encouragement and your prayers and thanks for reading!
Thanks to Lauren for being a friend to me when I was a mess, even if you didn't know how much I was hurting.