Moving On

Memories and flashbacks of a life I left behind
Searching for that something that was never mine to find
The things that I was holding and the things that held my heart
Turned out to be the very things that ripped my heart apart.

There's no turning back now, my decisions have been made
As I step into the future my past will surely fade
Not to be forgotten for there were many lessons learned
There is beauty in the ashes from every time that I've been burned

You think you know what's good for you
You think you know what's best
But you don't know what you believe
Until you put it to the test

Will you push through and come out stronger than before?
Or will you spend your nights curled up crying on the floor?
Will you turn your eyes to Heaven while you wait patiently
Or try to make your life all you think that it should be?


Shep

Conviction or Condemnation?

Have you ever been in a group of Evangelical Christians*?  If so, you have undoubtedly heard, and likely used, the word(s) “convicted” or “conviction.” You might hear someone say “I’ve been really convicted about ______ lately,” or “That sermon was really convicting!” But what does this really mean? Here are some general definitions of the word:

Conviction- A declaration that a person is guilty of an offense; the act of moving a person by argument or evidence to belief, agreement, consent, or a course of action; the proving of guilt.

Conviction in the Christian context means something like this: A person’s imperfection has been pointed out and acknowledged, and that person has hope and the desire to change. Translation: I see how I’m failing, and I’ve been given examples of what it is to be better. This has hit me where it hurts, but in a way that inspires me to take action and pursue improvement through God’s power. I’m glad that my pride is suffering and my weakness has been exposed so I can be made stronger in my faith. Conviction is when the Holy Spirit awakens us to things in our lives that are displeasing to God. There is an invitation to live in the way God desires and intends for us to live. Conviction tells us that we are forgiven.

Conviction has a cousin that likes to confuse Christians and attack their faith. This cousin is named condemnation. Condemnation says “You aren’t good enough. Your best is not enough. You have screwed up so much already that you shouldn’t even try to do what is right. You won’t be able to change.”  Condemnation often wears a cloak of conviction, but don’t be fooled. The goal is to sidetrack us from what God is trying to tell us to do or change.

Condemnation- Strong Censure;  reproof; expression of strong disapproval ; to compel or force into a particular state or activity;  to judge or pronounce unfit for use or service.

Let’s take a deeper look at these two words:

Conviction…….

…is constructive

...true guilt

…feels light and right

...leads to contrition  (think the child with the pouty face who will do anything to make you happy)      

...is godly sorrow that prompts repentance                                                                                   …separates us from the problem

…is a sharp needle that hits the trouble spot

…clearly enlightens our conscience

…produces hunger for God and Scripture

…opens the door for mercy and freedom from sin

...shows you the way out, the solution to the problem

…pushes you toward God

…comes from the Holy Spirit

                                                                                                                                                            

Condemnation…

…is destructive

…false guilt

...feels heavy and wrong

...leads to feeling worthless

…binds us to the problem

…is a sledgehammer pounding aimlessly and relentlessly

…is fuzzy and puts a dark pressure on our soul

…keeps the Bible closed

…imprisons us in a pit of shame

...shows the problem but avoids the solution

…pushes you away from God

…comes from Satan

For the past couple of months I have been unsatisfied with the way I have been spending my time and using my personal resources. I have also been feeling like I really need to step out of my comfort zone and not be so safe. At first I thought that I was being convicted about these things. Then I  really started thinking about the distinction between conviction and condemnation, and I quickly realized that I was actually experiencing the latter. 

                I could feel God trying to speak to me, as He sometimes does by repeating a theme. I will come across a message repeatedly and know that I should be paying attention and learning from it. Well, let’s just say that the message has never had to be repeated so much! Though I acknowledged the message and said “Ok God, I get it!” I wouldn’t let it really sink in and change me. I wasn’t able to because I was wrapped up in the guilt and shame that are characteristic of condemnation. Take another look at the definition of condemnation that is in bold. To judge or pronounce unfit for use or service.  This is exactly what the Satan tells us. He tells us that we are too flawed or imperfect for God to use. Here is a prime example of a spiritual battle. I know what God wanted me to hear, but what I heard instead was Satan’s voice keeping me from God’s goodness. The enemy took my desire for God and I immediately became apathetic and complacent.

This period of darkness came right on the heels of a period of great focus and motivation to change and improve my path, maybe even a period that I would consider to be one of conviction. I was really close to God and going after Him right before I ended up being condemned. Satan is very predictable in this way. He likes to attack when we are trying to be close to God and fall asleep at the wheel or hit a small bump in the road.

                Instead of using difficulties that god could have used to make me stronger, I took those challenges as a red light and I gave up too easily, just as Satan wanted me to. That was the point that he had me.  I am coming out of that condemnation now. It is slow and difficult, but I am fighting back. God is restoring me. I thank God for my warriors who stayed by my side, praying for me and challenging me during my complacency.♥

Will you believe the half-truths of Satan or the whole truth from God? Don’t listen to the lies of the enemy! We must trust what God’s Word says over our feelings! Our feelings are fleeting; they change. God’s Word never changes, and neither do His promises. Christ's sacrifice for your sins will never be undone or redone!   

Job 15:6 Your own mouth condemns you, not I.
Romans 8:1-2  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.

Thanks for reading!

Shep

*Evangelical Christians here meaning those with belief in Jesus who deem their faith and relationship with Christ to be the primary influence on their life and behavior.

Inner Assault

Will you believe the voice of truth or the voice of lies
That comes to you hidden in clever disguise
The niggle in your thoughts that leads you to believe
That "everyone else is better than me"
The too-familiar notion of shame and insecurity
With the quickness to pounce upon the slightest impurity
Self-deception that states you are alone in this battle
In this frame of mind it doesn't take much to rattle you
Keep it to yourself because no one could relate
So you're trapped inside the cycle of this thing that you hate
But the truth is that inside we all feel the same
The sin with which we're dealing is a universal pain

Written on 12/28/12

Ambiguous Loss

        You can "lose" someone in so many ways. We primarily think of losing someone through death. However, you can lose relationships because of marriages/other relationships, a breach of trust, a geographical move and so much more. A relationship can change so drastically in an instant that it is not recognizable to either party. This kind of change is like a nonphysical death. You lose the person in the sense that your relationship is not on the level it once was. This is so incredibly painful.
       In physical death you at least know there is no more earthly potential or opportunity for relationship. You will miss the person but you have lost them due to uncontrollable factors. The death of a relationship, though, is so difficult because the person is still there. You have all the memories of your time with them and you are left with the feelings, but you know that things will never be the same. You want to believe that you and the other person will be redeemed and things will be restored, but you recognize that things are complicated and it's not as simple as moving on.
      We hear it said that people will come into our lives and we don't know how much time we have with them. It may be a day, a month, several years, or decades. We can find hope in believing that we encountered those people for some reason, and that their presence in our lives wasn't for naught. Every person has the opportunity to leave their mark on another. The idea of passing relationships is okay until you actually have to see the door close behind someone on their way out of your life, especially if it's someone with whom you formed a significant bond. Considering that we know the evanescence, the temporary state of things in this world, we have to wonder why we let that person get so close. How could someone have had your heart so completely that when they went away you were destroyed?
     I liken it to an earthquake. You may know you are on a fault line, and you know there could be a quake at any time, but you aren't really ready for one. You don't live in a state of expectation. When the quake hits, you are shaken to the core. After the initial shock you look around to see the pieces of your heart strewn about like the objects flung out of cabinets and off the walls. You seem to have time to assess the situation and pick up the debris but then the aftershocks begin. Just when you start to get things together and recovery is on its way, your foundation is shaken yet again.
    While I was reading the book of Hebrews, I was reminded of how I should handle my earthquakes. It is so easy to get prideful. I struggle with wanting to handle things on my own and I send God an invitation when the party is already in swing. The fact is, I'm not able to handle storms on my own. I know this. When I am struggling, I draw strength from the fact that I have a Savior walking beside me through it. I rest in the fact that whether high or low, I'm on a journey that is God-inspired. He has a way to use my circumstances for His glory. Jesus is with me whether I ask him to be or not. I do have to remember to acknowledge him and invite him to actually walk with me. Though I find comfort in the idea of God, I know this isn't enough. I have to really seek Him in times of trouble, which means praying early(and often) and going to Scripture to fortify myself before I start to think I don't need God.
    I know the reality of aftershocks. They can continue long after forgiveness has been extended or your situation stops controlling you. Pain can always creep in because there is a fault line there. Earthquakes may crack your foundation, which is why it is so important to draw from God's strength. Go to Him early on, and continually, to patch your foundation and keep it strong.
      Hebrews also gave me multiple reminders that Jesus experienced everything that we do. He definitely experienced the painful shock of separation from the one closest to him--God the Father. Jesus normally felt one with God, but he came to know the separation from God that is our constant reality. Jesus had unity with his Father until the moment that sin was upon him. The disparity between [oneness with God] and [exile through sin] that Jesus experienced was a far greater division than any separation we will ever know in our earthly relationships. 
   The bottom line is that human relationships are broken. You are allowed to grieve when you lose someone you love. But the story doesn't end there. Pick up your heart and give it to the One who made it. He will brush it off and give it back a little stronger than it was before. Now I'm not saying to just walk away when someone hurts you. That is usually not God's will. Follow His instructions for godly restoration and reconciliation and let Him heal your heart. Things may look very different but they can still be good.


I hope this helps you, my friends
Shep

Old thoughts in poetry form?

When I say this love within me is something You should handle
For I have not the power or the strength
You tell me that this love is the very thing that sets me apart and helps me draw near to You
Because You understand it best

God's heart in my human body
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Only your strength holds me together when I'm falling apart
When I have the fragments of my life whirling around like a tornado
You have every piece in its place
Try as I might I can't figure this out
I keep putting the pieces where they aren't supposed to go
You already have the puzzle glued together

 I am chaos and you are peace

I want to rest in the haven of your hand soft and warm
And leave the cold and lonely realms of the world that is my own
I play with fires that burn to mar and disfigure
But your fires burn away the impurities and all that does not need to be
I wrestle with sins that have long been forgiven
Then You spread a covering of peace over me

I am chaos and you are peace

Whirlwind

Locked out. Shut down. Access denied. No entry. No one allowed beyond this point.
Mindless chatter. Talking in circles. Lines of motion coming back on themselves.
Tired of being lured by the promise of treasure-- digging in shallow soil only to find rocks and dense, lumpy clay.
Every soul a lock box that cannot be opened because someone switched the keys on me.
Stuck in a revolving door, always being pushed along.
Standing outside doors that I can see through but I can't get inside. Trapped outside these souls, seeing what they themselves can't see. Hoping to be let in and get a chance to dust off ancient artifacts, relics of beauty that are unappreciated.
Windows with the shades down or the curtains closed. At least they hold no promises.
Labyrinths that lead you to endless corners and boxes with no exit. By the time you find the way out you are so exhausted it is hard to appreciate the resolution.
A GPS faultlessly leading you to a destination which is in fact not there.
Being teased by the thought of going on an exciting road trip and finding out the trip has been canceled.
Hundreds of trails explored, each one providing suspense and the hope of something worth seeing. Time wasted on trails that lead to nowhere. The journey isn't always worth the letdown in the end.  

Endless metaphors and analogies to illustrate the frustration of thinking you are getting somewhere with people but seeing that all the landmarks are familiar and you are still in charted territory.

Made with Care

8th Grade, Valentine's Day
 I made a special valentine for the boy I adored. I gladly spent the night before Valentine's Day preparing my masterpiece. It was a paper heart man with accordion arms and legs. The next day I was so excited but nervous to put it on his desk during the party. All the exchanges were made and I sat down at my desk. He picked up my valentine and demanded to know who had made it. "Who made this?!" Like he was angry or something. "Who made this!?"  Finally I said, kind of shyly, "I did."
He said, "Oh. Thanks."  SNAP! That's the sound of shattered hopes and a broken heart. Is that really all he had to say? Oh, thanks? No one else got a heart! I spent my valuable time on that thing, and I created it with love and passion! I managed every detail of it and worked in anticipation of what it would be! I was proud of it!
--------
I felt this way about a stupid valentine present. Imagine how God feels when we reject His creation, especially when the thing we are rejecting is our very self. It is like slapping God in the face and saying he didn't do well enough when He made you. God doesn't see what we see. He doesn't see ugly or fat, or big noses and crazy hair. He doesn't care because those things aren't important. The most beautiful woman in the world might never utter the name of God except in vain, and what is the use of her beauty? God sees the work of His hands, a beautiful creation that he rejoices over simply for your existence. 

God may make someone ugly, whether by that person's standards or anyone's standards, but that isn't all He gives that person. Sometimes beautiful things are in ugly packages so we can appreciate them for what they are inside and look at them as God does. What you appear to be doesn't matter. What you are is what matters. We all know hot jerks and have not-so-cute friends who are angels in disguise.

 I think once you can appreciate the beauty of your character it becomes less important what you look like. Your cute face and flat stomach won't get you spiritual wealth or enable you to better the people around you. Your kind and gentle spirit and irrational love are what make you worth something to the world. I'm talking the ability to love when it just doesn't make any sense. There is more fulfillment in developing traits that will last for a lifetime. Physical beauty is very temporary. We all age and develop wrinkles and sagging parts. Integrity, wisdom, and humility are things of beauty that will not only last but grow deeper and more attractive through a lifetime.