Mosaic of Life

Life is like a mosaic. There are all these little pieces that don't look like they could be related and come together to make something intelligible to the eye. But every piece has its place, adding a little nuance of detail, to a big and beautiful collection that eventually makes sense. Every day I see how the little things in my life are fitting together into a mosaic...how that one conversation, that one song, that one friend that entered my life with such diving timing, are slowly revealing more of a larger picture that is fragmented yet amazing.

I never cease to wonder at the power of a God who can so creatively knit together the details of all of our lives simultaneously so we all experience things uniquely for our own development. I am a puzzle person so I have an extra respect for the ability to make sense of this artistic chaos. I don't know if you have ever tried a mosaic puzzle, but they aren't all that fun. Haha. You just don't know where or how to begin. There are sections of patterns in a mosaic. I find it very interesting to think that two neighboring pieces in my mosaic might be something that happened to me when I was 8 and something that will happen to me when I am 30. The thing that happened when I was 8 may have no meaning or significance until I am 30 and connect the two experiences.


Made you think!
Shep  :)

Peace in the Poor

I know a lot of people in tough situations right now. Seeing their stories being written has renewed the peace that I have in Jesus. I have been blessed in so many ways in the past several months. I didn't have a wonderful week and I am very broke for the next two, but I'm kind of ok with it. I need to struggle to know what has value. In my discomfort I am at peace because I am confident in the promise of provision. Famines aren't forever and the feast is soon to come. It takes tough times and dry spells to reveal our character flaws so we can fix them and develop rich character. This also gives me peace when I am struggling.

I cannot say that I am satisfied with where I am in life. I can say that it is me holding me back because of the way I respond to my circumstances. If I could change one thing about my life it would be my college debt. Obviously no one wants loan debt. It is absurd that the education that is supposed to make me more successful in life has only kept me prisoner. My debt is a ball and chain around my ankle. More that that, it is something I can conveniently hide behind as an excuse to not live the life that I desire and that God desires for me.

Life is not so vivid when you are blind to your successes and your failures are so apparent. Encouragement is crucial when you believe all the lies about yourself and you accept the ugly truths without aspiring to more. You have to surround yourself with people who will not let you stay in your pit of destruction. As often as I don't want to share why I am down (because I know it is up to me to do/be better), it is sometimes necessary to share so that others can speak truth into my life. I am so grateful to be in church groups in which I know this will happen. I know that I won't find it in me to pull myself out of the holes I am in and make things happen. Thankfully other people believe in my power more than I do and they can push me into action. My hope is that at some point I won't need such frequent and heavy doses of encouragement.

My life is not perfect or enviable. However, I cannot and will not let that control how I feel. I am hopeful for the future. I know that every storm passes and this life is just a blip in time. It's worth the prize but it's gonna hurt sometimes.

Acts 20:23-24
 ²³ I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. ²⁴ However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me —the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.


Welcome to the fight
Shep

Spontaneous Poem

Hope deferred with the absence of words
The cry of the heart goes unheard
Unable to move and to rise above
And reach out a hand in a gesture of love
Being robbed of something the soul so needs
Leaves one weary with eyes that bleed
So much inside with nowhere to go
This is compassion overload

*Shep
6/28/12

You are God's Joy

I think all women are hard-wired with maternal instincts. If you've ever held a baby or a small animal you know the feeling. You know the wonder, pride, and peace that are in your heart when you hold that precious life in your arms. I feel it when I hold my niece. It is like everything else disappears and she has my full attention. She is the only thing that matters. Though she isn't mine and I didn't create her, I love her in a way that I can't explain. I believe there is a spot close to the heart made for things to be held close. When something touches that spot it is comforting; it just feels right. It's why mothers hold babies under their chin and why children squeeze puppies and kittens tight to their chest.

We can't explain this love because it comes from God. The intense feelings we feel are a direct translation of His supernatural character into our flawed human hearts. It is how God feels about us. Just as we hold babies close to us, God holds us close. He created us, and because He created us He is fiercely in love with us. It may never make sense to our frail minds because we aren't in the same dimension. We were intended to know and give unconditional love, but when sin entered the world it changed our understanding of everything. God loves you when you don't love yourself. He loves and accepts you as you are. The ransom on you has already been paid. This may seem wrong or literally unbelievable. So how can we reconcile the fact that God loves us as we are? We can't-- because we really don't deserve it. The best thing we can do is acknowledge our inability to 'get it' and accept the fact gracefully.

Here is a prayer you can pray:
"God, I don't know why you care so much about me. I have wronged you so many times. I wouldn't love me if I were in your position. But I know it to be true that you do love me more than I can comprehend and I thank you for sparing me. Thank you for wanting me even when I want nothing to do with you. Never let me forget your love for me and help me feel your love even when I don't want to accept it. Help me desire you as much as you desire me." Amen

Zephaniah 3:17
He will take delight in you with gladness. 
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice* over you with joyful songs

*In Hebrew, the word rejoice means to feel great joy and to turn around.
Imagine God spinning around, jumping, dancing and fist-pumping. FOR YOU! This is how God feels about you!  

To new beginnings,

Shep

Isn't life ironic? People always tell us to live our lives to the fullest. Live in the moment. Don't let opportunities pass you by because you don't know when or if they will come again. People also say to trust your instincts and listen to your gut.

What do you do when your gut and brain oppose each other? That happened to me tonight. I was invited to join some friends from college for a game night, but my car has been acting funny this week. I had a feeling I should not go. Earlier this week, I had the same feeling but took my car on a longer trip anyway. Besides not trusting my car, I was hesitant to go out because of something that happened last week and I just didn't feel like it after work.

I know myself---I know that when I don't feel like going out and being social, I am (almost) always glad after I do. I thought of all the good times I have had with my friends. I mean, these are the people that allow me to be my crazy self and embrace it. They see sides of me that I wish others could see. So I, being a very experience-driven person, told my gut to shut up. If anyone should know about trusting that niggling feeling, it's me. I've learned the hard way plenty of times. Women are especially nifty with "gut." So you would think I would trust it. I couldn't. I wanted to make the most of my time with friends because I don't know how long we're all going to be in this area. Some of us have already moved. I thought to myself, 'Who knows when this opportunity will come again? This is not like Volleyball Tuesday, Small Group Thursday, or Sunday church. This isn't going to happen again next week. It might not happen next month, or even this year.'

I was going to get to that game night. I was hoping that I would find the place. I was hoping I would find a parking spot. I was hoping that my car would get me there and back home. My car had other ideas. It just shut off in D.C, oblivious to the traffic it was blocking. Some gentlemen were nice enough to push me to the side of the road while their ladies were standing there laughing and shouting 'tow truck! tow truck!.' I had to ignore them because I wanted to get out and betch-slap them, but hey, what's a little more humiliation?

I never made it to game night. Apparently I was in a lose-lose situation. I kept telling myself that I should trust my instincts but I can't regret my decision. Whether I went with my brain or my gut, I was not going to see my friends tonight. Beating myself up over it won't help. Now it is time to wait for something amazing to happen so I have a cool story to tell. Peace


Shep

Soul Submersion

First of all, welcome to my blog! I've had this thing set up since April, but this is my first real entry. Sad story, I know, but I'm working on it. This is a little something I wrote in the spring of 2009. Recently I had been thinking about this piece that I wrote, wondering which notebook or notepad contained my precious thoughts. I don't keep a strict journal or anything, I just write sporadically in whatever book is available. On Friday I went to Panera to study with a friend. As I was flipping through my notebook, I found what I was looking for! Ever since I read it again I have been feeling an increasing urgency to post it, so here goes. Comments and questions are always welcome.

You don't bother to investigate beyond the visible surface. You stick to what is comfortable, and though your hands and feet may swirl through the depths, you fear plunging your head beneath the surface. For then you will be completely surrounded and the pressure will build, closing in on you. Pressure to explore the depths of your own soul. You are fearful of finding out that your depths are just a vast, dry canyon instead of a rich, deep quarry. We see the tumbleweeds, things with no substance or purpose, blowing around on the desert floor of the canyon. In the quarry, however, beautiful rocks and sparkling water reflect fortitude and strength.

Maybe the surface looks murky brown from the outside. You cannot see through it. Beyond the translucent may lie dangerous things. If you venture too far you may be bitten. Bitten by love, taken by something that you longed for and so wanted to find. You are curious to see the things underneath, to put a name to them and grab hold, but fear overrides your curiosity. Those things might hurt you or make you uncomfortable. They might challenge you to do something bold or different.

Plunge. Dive. Do not be afraid. Though the depths may pull you under and toss you around, you will break the surface again. Just when you think you have had too much and you begin to panic, out of control, your legs and arms move and you feel an upward push. The depths release you. As you rise from the water and breathe the air, you realize that playing at the top and skimming the surface is not enough. You can barely resist taking another dive, if you can resist at all, because you have been set free.


Shine on my friends

Shep