Read All About It
Read All About It Part III by Emeli Sande
What a great song. I have always appreciated it, but I have been thinking about it in a different light recently. Though a secular song, it can easily be used in a spiritual way. I'm going to break down the lyrics and explain.
You've got the words to change a nation
But you're biting your tongue
You've spent a life time stuck in silence
Afraid you'll say something wrong
If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?
We have so much to say. On some level we know the power within us. We know what needs to be done but we're holding back. We are not meant to bite our tongues with the words that God has given us. These words were meant to change our church, our nation, our world.
Sometimes we fear that we will say the wrong thing. Maybe our words will not be in God's will. Maybe someone will be offended. Maybe you will scare someone off. Maybe you will not be liked by someone or by a lot of people. I will say it again; we are not meant to bite our tongues with the words that God has given us! He gave us all a voice to use!
You've got a heart as loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Maybe we're a little different
There's no need to be ashamed
You've got a heart as loud as lions so why let your voice be tamed? Wow, can anyone say 'powerful lyric?' What is it that the Bible says? From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks? Yeah, that's it! Luke 6:45. I'm giving this a fresh look. What is in your heart determines your voice. If your heart is roaring like a lion, why isn't your voice? Our hearts are not awakened for us to remain asleep. Why are we lions walking around in sheep's skin? As Christians, we are different from the world. At least we should be. We. cannot. be. ashamed! The world needs to hear our roar! Even within the church we get silenced. The beat of my heart may be different from yours. It probably is and that's okay. God gives us each a unique heartbeat so that together we can fulfill each part of His Kingdom.
You've got the light to fight the shadows
So stop hiding it away
Come on, come on
The shadows are large and they are many. But the shadows are no match for the light in our hearts. If you had the cure for AIDS, would you keep it a secret? We succumb to the idea that the small light that we offer cannot possibly make a difference. There is an enormous amount of darkness in the world. If we don't shine any light on it, there will cease to be light. Darkness is simply the absence of light. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe your world is so dark because you have not cast light on it? My neighborhood has streetlights every 100 yards or so. I always notice immediately when one of them is out. I don't know that by looking directly at the source of light. I know it because I see the darkness in the area where there should be light. Darkness makes navigation harder and gives evil an easier time of showing itself. Darkness cannot be where light is present. I admit that I am guilty of blowing the whistle on the shadows when my light is turned off. How can I despair over darkness when I am doing nothing to dispel it? It's time to shut up or shine bright.
If the truth has been forbidden
Then we're breaking all the rules
Oooh, this is a big one. The truth is nearly forbidden in this country. Christians are attacked for believing in truth. So we're breaking all the rules. Outlaws for Christ, baby!
Let's get the TV and the radio
To play our tune again
It's 'bout time we got some airplay of our version of events
There's no need to be afraid
I will sing with you my friend
We once had a voice for God in the media. It is rapidly being stripped away. Let's speak a little louder. Let's be firm. Let's get back in the media and get them to play our tune of truth again. Our version of events is no longer heard. It's too offensive and exclusionary. No one cares to hear what Christians really think and believe beyond what secular media has to say about us. We have been scared into silence. If we join together we can sing loud and proud and not be afraid.
*Note: This was written long ago, before I learned how the media really works. I made it sound so simple but it's not. There is a good bit on television about Christianity and much of it looks legit. If you look past the surface at the bigger picture you will see that these productions are really meant to discredit Christianity. I found this in my drafts and I have no idea why I didn't post it sooner.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Sunday, January 24, 2016
I'm baaaaack! Here's what happened in 2015!
I put off writing this for weeks. Maybe it's because I didn't want to relive the past year. Maybe it's because I knew that I would have to share it, which makes no sense because the whole purpose of writing this is to explain myself and apologize. I want everyone to understand where I've been. I will not qualify my experiences any further, for you will interpret them as you wish. So here goes...
2015 really sucked! A little backstory is necessary for you to get the picture. In 2014 I chose a theme word for the year. My word was "RISK." 2014 was about embracing risk and living it out. I believe I embodied it in my own way. I was more persistent than usual. I risked my biggest dreams, taking chances on jobs that I really wanted. I risked heartbreak in that way. In December 2014, I was turned down for a job at Heartlight Ministries. I really thought that Heartlight was God's answer to my prayer because of the way it came up so spontaneously. It seemed like the perfect opportunity for me as well as a logical next step for my desired career path. To be denied that opportunity was unacceptable to me.
Here is where I have a problem. It has to do with how I subconsciously view my experiences. It's like I take 'no' as 'never' rather than 'not right now' or 'not this way.' Persistent I am not. When I hit a wall I turn around rather than finding another way. One of the spiritual lies that tends to creep into my mind is that God won't fulfill my dreams, that He will dangle them in front of me only to snatch them away when I get really excited. I often feel like I'm being teased when I see something that I want and I don't get it. Like, why do I have to see a job posting if nothing is to come of it? It should just stay off my radar! Let me just say that that is no was to think of the God of the universe! He is not about teasing you or manipulating you or hiding things from you. Anyway, as incorrect as those ideas are, that is how I felt.
Sometimes risk results in a fall. I fell. I broke. There's nothing wrong with that. But I didn't get up right away. Instead I squirmed and flailed about in the broken shards of my dreams, hurting myself more. So at the beginning of last year I was in a funk. I began to shut down on God while going through the motions. I had to hold it together to some extent because I had a lot of spiritual responsibility. I was overseeing two young ladies in mentoring relationships and I was serving on the worship team at church. I felt strapped down in a place I didn't want to be, a church I knew I didn't belong in anymore. I was kicking myself for committing myself to leadership when I knew I wanted out.
I cut back on church involvement and told the leaders that I was leaving. I picked a terrible week to have those conversations. I'm getting personal here, but it's relevant. Unbeknownst to me, it was the week that my period would come. You see, I have PCOS,(polycystic ovarian syndrome), so I don't have regular periods. It had been a year and a half since the last one, so think PMS times 18 (not literally, but you know what I mean). My emotions were ridiculous. So if I talked to you then and you're reading this, I hope this explains my crazy. PCOS does some unfriendly things to your body.
Emotionally, I was a mess. Spiritually, I was falling apart. Physically, I was buying time that I didn't have and harming my body. In June 2014, I started having pain in my knee. I rested it off and on, but was too impatient to rest completely so I ignored the pain. On some level, I think I was desperately clinging to the one thing that was still good in my life. Eventually the aches and pains started to snowball and I had to stop the sports. My physical therapist told me that when there is pain in more than one area, you tend to notice the one screaming the loudest. She was referring to physical pain, but I think the same is true when you consider emotional pain and other types. I was in pain in every sense. I was losing nearly everything important to me. Depression was lurking. Chronic pain leads to anxiety and depression, which worsens the pain. PCOS also contributes to depression and mental illness. I'm a firm believer in the psychosomatic connection. My guess is that much of my pain is stress stored in my body as well as a physical manifestation of negative emotions that weren't well-handled. There were a bunch of things that happened in 2014 that I hadn't properly processed. In June of last year it all caught up to me. I had to stop playing sports so my body could heal.
After leaving my church I was initially excited, or maybe I pretended to be because I should have been. But I quickly slipped further into depression as I got tired of trying to hold on. To me the experience was like a breakup. You're sad because of the memories, nervous about putting your heart back on the market, and excited because you know there's a better fit out there for you. I intended to look for a new church home but instead I shut God out.I stopped going to church. It was like I couldn't go. I would make plans to visit a church and I would drive there, only to sit in the parking lot, unable to leave my car. A couple of times I went to my parents' church because I could be with my family. However, I felt like an outsider in church, a place that I have spent nearly every Sunday in my whole life. I lost all desire for it and I didn't miss it. The only thing I missed was the many hugs that I got every Sunday and Wednesday. What I felt was relief that I didn't have to be there. I was no longer anchored by commitments to serve. The term for this is burnout, and man was I burnt out!
One week I sat in the parking lot of Alive Community Church. The back door was open, so I sat in my car and listened to some of the worship music. Maybe I couldn't go in the building (where I knew I would be embraced and loved), but it was a step in the right direction. I didn't know how to navigate the path I was on. It was absolutely foreign to me to not want to be in church. I stopped caring about things that are very important to me. I broke a vow I had with myself and crossed boundaries without second thought and without guilt. Apathy is a scary place. You know you should care but you don't. Maybe you'd rather feel guilt than emptiness. The only thing I was apologetic for was hurting other people in the process and dragging them down with me. I was living out the saying "Hurt people hurt people."
When things aren't going well, I isolate myself. Isolation was my defense and my destruction. Not only did I not talk to people who cared about me, I just vanished. To my friends, I'm sorry I disappeared on you. If you thought I gave up on you, I didn't. I just couldn't deal. To my family, I'm sorry that you had to be concerned. To God, I'm sorry that I hardly talked to you when I needed you most. Thanks to the people who reached through my darkness to take my hand. I love you and appreciate you. When I finally decided to come out of hiding, I had some challenges and setbacks. I wanted to shut down again but I had encouragement.
The last few months of 2015 were dedicated to fixing my body and my mindset. I finally got into physical therapy, over a year late and with extra broken parts. I went to Toastmasters a few times, reawakening my vision for public speaking. I attended a small group where I was invited to lead worship. That was one of the most healing experiences because I could finally use my voice. I started going to a church that put me right to work with some awesome people :) I will have to tell you about that in another post. All in all, the year ended much better than it started.
Where am I now? In light of chronic pain, PCOS, spiritual rebellion, and some structural issues with my body, I was a recipe for disaster. My physical recovery has not progressed as I had hoped; I still have a long way to go. I'm not nearly as depressed as I was, but I have a good bit of anxiety. My spiritual fire is at a fraction of where it used to be, but I'm on my way back up. I have good people in my life and I'm supported. I'm trying to be more aware of unpleasant emotions and work through them. That's why I'm writing, and why I avoided this one for so long.
Writing is very important to me, but I'm usually not very disciplined about doing it. Lately I have been writing 15 minutes a day (30 minutes if I miss a day). People say that I'm ''hard to read," "hard to get to know well," "holding back," "I need to let my walls down", etc. I won't go into how frustrating that is but I will say that I can be very vulnerable with my written pieces. I hope they clarify to you what I can't seem to express otherwise. If you want to know me better, I suggest you read what I write. If I know you're reading, I will write more. After all, this isn't for me but for you. Given that it has been a couple of years, I'm a bit rusty. However, I'm getting a lot of practice lately ;)
I want to end this manifesto with something positive. Sometimes God has to do a complete reworking of everything we know in order to move us forward. All the things that hinder us have to be stripped away. We have to be broken of the things that falsely keep us together. Looking at my life from that perspective, I can see a systematic breakdown of everything. Now I'm starting with a new blueprint. I read something recently about how the same elements and materials can be used to build completely different things based on the plans of the builder. We go through stages in life where our buildings are knocked down. We keep the same elements but rearrange them as our priorities and vision change and we build something new.
As 2015 ended, I got the feeling that I am on the edge of a breakthrough. Something big is about to happen, and I'm excited to see what it is! Stay tuned to stay in the loop! This post was all about me because I had to get some stuff out of the way, but I have some pending material that will get you engaged. As always, comments are welcome!
Love,
Shep
Shoutouts!! ♥♥♥
Thanks to Audrey for staying in touch, for your encouragement, and for always being my prayer warrior.
Thanks to Lorisa for keeping after me through text message to make sure I stay social....and for making me s'mores pancakes on my birthday!
Thanks to Pastor Steve, Deanne, and Dee for always making me feel like a rock star and for putting my talents to use. Your support is everything!
Thanks to Kelly for reaching out and inviting me to small group.
Thanks to Devin for your encouragement and your prayers and thanks for reading!
Thanks to Lauren for being a friend to me when I was a mess, even if you didn't know how much I was hurting.
2015 really sucked! A little backstory is necessary for you to get the picture. In 2014 I chose a theme word for the year. My word was "RISK." 2014 was about embracing risk and living it out. I believe I embodied it in my own way. I was more persistent than usual. I risked my biggest dreams, taking chances on jobs that I really wanted. I risked heartbreak in that way. In December 2014, I was turned down for a job at Heartlight Ministries. I really thought that Heartlight was God's answer to my prayer because of the way it came up so spontaneously. It seemed like the perfect opportunity for me as well as a logical next step for my desired career path. To be denied that opportunity was unacceptable to me.
Here is where I have a problem. It has to do with how I subconsciously view my experiences. It's like I take 'no' as 'never' rather than 'not right now' or 'not this way.' Persistent I am not. When I hit a wall I turn around rather than finding another way. One of the spiritual lies that tends to creep into my mind is that God won't fulfill my dreams, that He will dangle them in front of me only to snatch them away when I get really excited. I often feel like I'm being teased when I see something that I want and I don't get it. Like, why do I have to see a job posting if nothing is to come of it? It should just stay off my radar! Let me just say that that is no was to think of the God of the universe! He is not about teasing you or manipulating you or hiding things from you. Anyway, as incorrect as those ideas are, that is how I felt.
Sometimes risk results in a fall. I fell. I broke. There's nothing wrong with that. But I didn't get up right away. Instead I squirmed and flailed about in the broken shards of my dreams, hurting myself more. So at the beginning of last year I was in a funk. I began to shut down on God while going through the motions. I had to hold it together to some extent because I had a lot of spiritual responsibility. I was overseeing two young ladies in mentoring relationships and I was serving on the worship team at church. I felt strapped down in a place I didn't want to be, a church I knew I didn't belong in anymore. I was kicking myself for committing myself to leadership when I knew I wanted out.
I cut back on church involvement and told the leaders that I was leaving. I picked a terrible week to have those conversations. I'm getting personal here, but it's relevant. Unbeknownst to me, it was the week that my period would come. You see, I have PCOS,(polycystic ovarian syndrome), so I don't have regular periods. It had been a year and a half since the last one, so think PMS times 18 (not literally, but you know what I mean). My emotions were ridiculous. So if I talked to you then and you're reading this, I hope this explains my crazy. PCOS does some unfriendly things to your body.
Emotionally, I was a mess. Spiritually, I was falling apart. Physically, I was buying time that I didn't have and harming my body. In June 2014, I started having pain in my knee. I rested it off and on, but was too impatient to rest completely so I ignored the pain. On some level, I think I was desperately clinging to the one thing that was still good in my life. Eventually the aches and pains started to snowball and I had to stop the sports. My physical therapist told me that when there is pain in more than one area, you tend to notice the one screaming the loudest. She was referring to physical pain, but I think the same is true when you consider emotional pain and other types. I was in pain in every sense. I was losing nearly everything important to me. Depression was lurking. Chronic pain leads to anxiety and depression, which worsens the pain. PCOS also contributes to depression and mental illness. I'm a firm believer in the psychosomatic connection. My guess is that much of my pain is stress stored in my body as well as a physical manifestation of negative emotions that weren't well-handled. There were a bunch of things that happened in 2014 that I hadn't properly processed. In June of last year it all caught up to me. I had to stop playing sports so my body could heal.
After leaving my church I was initially excited, or maybe I pretended to be because I should have been. But I quickly slipped further into depression as I got tired of trying to hold on. To me the experience was like a breakup. You're sad because of the memories, nervous about putting your heart back on the market, and excited because you know there's a better fit out there for you. I intended to look for a new church home but instead I shut God out.I stopped going to church. It was like I couldn't go. I would make plans to visit a church and I would drive there, only to sit in the parking lot, unable to leave my car. A couple of times I went to my parents' church because I could be with my family. However, I felt like an outsider in church, a place that I have spent nearly every Sunday in my whole life. I lost all desire for it and I didn't miss it. The only thing I missed was the many hugs that I got every Sunday and Wednesday. What I felt was relief that I didn't have to be there. I was no longer anchored by commitments to serve. The term for this is burnout, and man was I burnt out!
One week I sat in the parking lot of Alive Community Church. The back door was open, so I sat in my car and listened to some of the worship music. Maybe I couldn't go in the building (where I knew I would be embraced and loved), but it was a step in the right direction. I didn't know how to navigate the path I was on. It was absolutely foreign to me to not want to be in church. I stopped caring about things that are very important to me. I broke a vow I had with myself and crossed boundaries without second thought and without guilt. Apathy is a scary place. You know you should care but you don't. Maybe you'd rather feel guilt than emptiness. The only thing I was apologetic for was hurting other people in the process and dragging them down with me. I was living out the saying "Hurt people hurt people."
When things aren't going well, I isolate myself. Isolation was my defense and my destruction. Not only did I not talk to people who cared about me, I just vanished. To my friends, I'm sorry I disappeared on you. If you thought I gave up on you, I didn't. I just couldn't deal. To my family, I'm sorry that you had to be concerned. To God, I'm sorry that I hardly talked to you when I needed you most. Thanks to the people who reached through my darkness to take my hand. I love you and appreciate you. When I finally decided to come out of hiding, I had some challenges and setbacks. I wanted to shut down again but I had encouragement.
The last few months of 2015 were dedicated to fixing my body and my mindset. I finally got into physical therapy, over a year late and with extra broken parts. I went to Toastmasters a few times, reawakening my vision for public speaking. I attended a small group where I was invited to lead worship. That was one of the most healing experiences because I could finally use my voice. I started going to a church that put me right to work with some awesome people :) I will have to tell you about that in another post. All in all, the year ended much better than it started.
Where am I now? In light of chronic pain, PCOS, spiritual rebellion, and some structural issues with my body, I was a recipe for disaster. My physical recovery has not progressed as I had hoped; I still have a long way to go. I'm not nearly as depressed as I was, but I have a good bit of anxiety. My spiritual fire is at a fraction of where it used to be, but I'm on my way back up. I have good people in my life and I'm supported. I'm trying to be more aware of unpleasant emotions and work through them. That's why I'm writing, and why I avoided this one for so long.
Writing is very important to me, but I'm usually not very disciplined about doing it. Lately I have been writing 15 minutes a day (30 minutes if I miss a day). People say that I'm ''hard to read," "hard to get to know well," "holding back," "I need to let my walls down", etc. I won't go into how frustrating that is but I will say that I can be very vulnerable with my written pieces. I hope they clarify to you what I can't seem to express otherwise. If you want to know me better, I suggest you read what I write. If I know you're reading, I will write more. After all, this isn't for me but for you. Given that it has been a couple of years, I'm a bit rusty. However, I'm getting a lot of practice lately ;)
I want to end this manifesto with something positive. Sometimes God has to do a complete reworking of everything we know in order to move us forward. All the things that hinder us have to be stripped away. We have to be broken of the things that falsely keep us together. Looking at my life from that perspective, I can see a systematic breakdown of everything. Now I'm starting with a new blueprint. I read something recently about how the same elements and materials can be used to build completely different things based on the plans of the builder. We go through stages in life where our buildings are knocked down. We keep the same elements but rearrange them as our priorities and vision change and we build something new.
As 2015 ended, I got the feeling that I am on the edge of a breakthrough. Something big is about to happen, and I'm excited to see what it is! Stay tuned to stay in the loop! This post was all about me because I had to get some stuff out of the way, but I have some pending material that will get you engaged. As always, comments are welcome!
Love,
Shep
Shoutouts!! ♥♥♥
Thanks to Audrey for staying in touch, for your encouragement, and for always being my prayer warrior.
Thanks to Lorisa for keeping after me through text message to make sure I stay social....and for making me s'mores pancakes on my birthday!
Thanks to Pastor Steve, Deanne, and Dee for always making me feel like a rock star and for putting my talents to use. Your support is everything!
Thanks to Kelly for reaching out and inviting me to small group.
Thanks to Devin for your encouragement and your prayers and thanks for reading!
Thanks to Lauren for being a friend to me when I was a mess, even if you didn't know how much I was hurting.
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