Locked out. Shut down. Access denied. No entry. No one allowed beyond this point.
Mindless chatter. Talking in circles. Lines of motion coming back on themselves.
Tired of being lured by the promise of treasure-- digging in shallow soil only to find rocks and dense, lumpy clay.
Every soul a lock box that cannot be opened because someone switched the keys on me.
Stuck in a revolving door, always being pushed along.
Standing outside doors that I can see through but I can't get inside. Trapped outside these souls, seeing what they themselves can't see. Hoping to be let in and get a chance to dust off ancient artifacts, relics of beauty that are unappreciated.
Windows with the shades down or the curtains closed. At least they hold no promises.
Labyrinths that lead you to endless corners and boxes with no exit. By the time you find the way out you are so exhausted it is hard to appreciate the resolution.
A GPS faultlessly leading you to a destination which is in fact not there.
Being teased by the thought of going on an exciting road trip and finding out the trip has been canceled.
Hundreds of trails explored, each one providing suspense and the hope of something worth seeing. Time wasted on trails that lead to nowhere. The journey isn't always worth the letdown in the end.
Endless metaphors and analogies to illustrate the frustration of thinking you are getting somewhere with people but seeing that all the landmarks are familiar and you are still in charted territory.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Made with Care
8th Grade, Valentine's Day
I made a special valentine for the boy I adored. I gladly spent the night before Valentine's Day preparing my masterpiece. It was a paper heart man with accordion arms and legs. The next day I was so excited but nervous to put it on his desk during the party. All the exchanges were made and I sat down at my desk. He picked up my valentine and demanded to know who had made it. "Who made this?!" Like he was angry or something. "Who made this!?" Finally I said, kind of shyly, "I did."
He said, "Oh. Thanks." SNAP! That's the sound of shattered hopes and a broken heart. Is that really all he had to say? Oh, thanks? No one else got a heart! I spent my valuable time on that thing, and I created it with love and passion! I managed every detail of it and worked in anticipation of what it would be! I was proud of it!
--------
I felt this way about a stupid valentine present. Imagine how God feels when we reject His creation, especially when the thing we are rejecting is our very self. It is like slapping God in the face and saying he didn't do well enough when He made you. God doesn't see what we see. He doesn't see ugly or fat, or big noses and crazy hair. He doesn't care because those things aren't important. The most beautiful woman in the world might never utter the name of God except in vain, and what is the use of her beauty? God sees the work of His hands, a beautiful creation that he rejoices over simply for your existence.
God may make someone ugly, whether by that person's standards or anyone's standards, but that isn't all He gives that person. Sometimes beautiful things are in ugly packages so we can appreciate them for what they are inside and look at them as God does. What you appear to be doesn't matter. What you are is what matters. We all know hot jerks and have not-so-cute friends who are angels in disguise.
I think once you can appreciate the beauty of your character it becomes less important what you look like. Your cute face and flat stomach won't get you spiritual wealth or enable you to better the people around you. Your kind and gentle spirit and irrational love are what make you worth something to the world. I'm talking the ability to love when it just doesn't make any sense. There is more fulfillment in developing traits that will last for a lifetime. Physical beauty is very temporary. We all age and develop wrinkles and sagging parts. Integrity, wisdom, and humility are things of beauty that will not only last but grow deeper and more attractive through a lifetime.
I made a special valentine for the boy I adored. I gladly spent the night before Valentine's Day preparing my masterpiece. It was a paper heart man with accordion arms and legs. The next day I was so excited but nervous to put it on his desk during the party. All the exchanges were made and I sat down at my desk. He picked up my valentine and demanded to know who had made it. "Who made this?!" Like he was angry or something. "Who made this!?" Finally I said, kind of shyly, "I did."
He said, "Oh. Thanks." SNAP! That's the sound of shattered hopes and a broken heart. Is that really all he had to say? Oh, thanks? No one else got a heart! I spent my valuable time on that thing, and I created it with love and passion! I managed every detail of it and worked in anticipation of what it would be! I was proud of it!
--------
I felt this way about a stupid valentine present. Imagine how God feels when we reject His creation, especially when the thing we are rejecting is our very self. It is like slapping God in the face and saying he didn't do well enough when He made you. God doesn't see what we see. He doesn't see ugly or fat, or big noses and crazy hair. He doesn't care because those things aren't important. The most beautiful woman in the world might never utter the name of God except in vain, and what is the use of her beauty? God sees the work of His hands, a beautiful creation that he rejoices over simply for your existence.
God may make someone ugly, whether by that person's standards or anyone's standards, but that isn't all He gives that person. Sometimes beautiful things are in ugly packages so we can appreciate them for what they are inside and look at them as God does. What you appear to be doesn't matter. What you are is what matters. We all know hot jerks and have not-so-cute friends who are angels in disguise.
I think once you can appreciate the beauty of your character it becomes less important what you look like. Your cute face and flat stomach won't get you spiritual wealth or enable you to better the people around you. Your kind and gentle spirit and irrational love are what make you worth something to the world. I'm talking the ability to love when it just doesn't make any sense. There is more fulfillment in developing traits that will last for a lifetime. Physical beauty is very temporary. We all age and develop wrinkles and sagging parts. Integrity, wisdom, and humility are things of beauty that will not only last but grow deeper and more attractive through a lifetime.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Good Convo
It has been too long since my last post. I have a few in the draft stage so they should be appearing shortly. There is a lot going on in my brain but I want to write something so I will just touch on what I am really thankful for right now and that is great conversations.
I have been blessed with many new relationships this year. I am getting some great opportunities to develop these relationships and I have seen growth recently. This is really exciting for me because I have been waiting a long time for this. The timing of these new bonds correlates directly with things that I have been learning this year. My heart was not ready before but God has been shaping me and showing me a lot of things.
This past week I have had great conversations with several people and I hated for them to end. For the quantity of people we see every day, we get so little quality face time with others. I find this very frustrating because I want to know people. Today I was able to sit down with someone for more than two hours and talk about God and about life and it was wonderful! Tomorrow I am meeting up with two of my dear friends from college and I only hope I can offer them inspiration and encouragement as they have so often given me these things.
About me
My love language is quality time and that involves a lot of conversation. I feel most appreciated and cared for when people will sit down and just talk to me. I will admit that sparking this conversation with me may not be the easiest thing to do. I can be rather quiet because I don't like small talk. I want to get to the important stuff. If I am in a group and I'm sitting there like I don't want to talk to anyone, don't be fooled. Please come talk to me. During our talk, if I tell you something about myself it's because I want you to feel comfortable sharing yourself. Please don't let me leave the conversation feeling like it was all about me. I want to hear about you.
Until next time,
Shep ♥
I have been blessed with many new relationships this year. I am getting some great opportunities to develop these relationships and I have seen growth recently. This is really exciting for me because I have been waiting a long time for this. The timing of these new bonds correlates directly with things that I have been learning this year. My heart was not ready before but God has been shaping me and showing me a lot of things.
This past week I have had great conversations with several people and I hated for them to end. For the quantity of people we see every day, we get so little quality face time with others. I find this very frustrating because I want to know people. Today I was able to sit down with someone for more than two hours and talk about God and about life and it was wonderful! Tomorrow I am meeting up with two of my dear friends from college and I only hope I can offer them inspiration and encouragement as they have so often given me these things.
About me
My love language is quality time and that involves a lot of conversation. I feel most appreciated and cared for when people will sit down and just talk to me. I will admit that sparking this conversation with me may not be the easiest thing to do. I can be rather quiet because I don't like small talk. I want to get to the important stuff. If I am in a group and I'm sitting there like I don't want to talk to anyone, don't be fooled. Please come talk to me. During our talk, if I tell you something about myself it's because I want you to feel comfortable sharing yourself. Please don't let me leave the conversation feeling like it was all about me. I want to hear about you.
Until next time,
Shep ♥
Monday, July 16, 2012
Mosaic of Life
Life is like a mosaic. There are all these little pieces that don't look like they could be related and come together to make something intelligible to the eye. But every piece has its place, adding a little nuance of detail, to a big and beautiful collection that eventually makes sense. Every day I see how the little things in my life are fitting together into a mosaic...how that one conversation, that one song, that one friend that entered my life with such diving timing, are slowly revealing more of a larger picture that is fragmented yet amazing.
I never cease to wonder at the power of a God who can so creatively knit together the details of all of our lives simultaneously so we all experience things uniquely for our own development. I am a puzzle person so I have an extra respect for the ability to make sense of this artistic chaos. I don't know if you have ever tried a mosaic puzzle, but they aren't all that fun. Haha. You just don't know where or how to begin. There are sections of patterns in a mosaic. I find it very interesting to think that two neighboring pieces in my mosaic might be something that happened to me when I was 8 and something that will happen to me when I am 30. The thing that happened when I was 8 may have no meaning or significance until I am 30 and connect the two experiences.
Made you think!
Shep :)
Peace in the Poor
I know a lot of people in tough situations right now. Seeing their stories being written has renewed the peace that I have in Jesus. I have been blessed in so many ways in the past several months. I didn't have a wonderful week and I am very broke for the next two, but I'm kind of ok with it. I need to struggle to know what has value. In my discomfort I am at peace because I am confident in the promise of provision. Famines aren't forever and the feast is soon to come. It takes tough times and dry spells to reveal our character flaws so we can fix them and develop rich character. This also gives me peace when I am struggling.
I cannot say that I am satisfied with where I am in life. I can say that it is me holding me back because of the way I respond to my circumstances. If I could change one thing about my life it would be my college debt. Obviously no one wants loan debt. It is absurd that the education that is supposed to make me more successful in life has only kept me prisoner. My debt is a ball and chain around my ankle. More that that, it is something I can conveniently hide behind as an excuse to not live the life that I desire and that God desires for me.
Life is not so vivid when you are blind to your successes and your failures are so apparent. Encouragement is crucial when you believe all the lies about yourself and you accept the ugly truths without aspiring to more. You have to surround yourself with people who will not let you stay in your pit of destruction. As often as I don't want to share why I am down (because I know it is up to me to do/be better), it is sometimes necessary to share so that others can speak truth into my life. I am so grateful to be in church groups in which I know this will happen. I know that I won't find it in me to pull myself out of the holes I am in and make things happen. Thankfully other people believe in my power more than I do and they can push me into action. My hope is that at some point I won't need such frequent and heavy doses of encouragement.
My life is not perfect or enviable. However, I cannot and will not let that control how I feel. I am hopeful for the future. I know that every storm passes and this life is just a blip in time. It's worth the prize but it's gonna hurt sometimes.
Acts 20:23-24
23 I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. 24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me —the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.
Welcome to the fight
Shep
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Spontaneous Poem
Hope deferred with the absence of words
The cry of the heart goes unheard
Unable to move and to rise above
And reach out a hand in a gesture of love
Being robbed of something the soul so needs
Leaves one weary with eyes that bleed
So much inside with nowhere to go
This is compassion overload
*Shep
6/28/12
The cry of the heart goes unheard
Unable to move and to rise above
And reach out a hand in a gesture of love
Being robbed of something the soul so needs
Leaves one weary with eyes that bleed
So much inside with nowhere to go
This is compassion overload
*Shep
6/28/12
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
You are God's Joy
I think all women are hard-wired with maternal instincts. If you've ever held a baby or a small animal you know the feeling. You know the wonder, pride, and peace that are in your heart when you hold that precious life in your arms. I feel it when I hold my niece. It is like everything else disappears and she has my full attention. She is the only thing that matters. Though she isn't mine and I didn't create her, I love her in a way that I can't explain. I believe there is a spot close to the heart made for things to be held close. When something touches that spot it is comforting; it just feels right. It's why mothers hold babies under their chin and why children squeeze puppies and kittens tight to their chest.
We can't explain this love because it comes from God. The intense feelings we feel are a direct translation of His supernatural character into our flawed human hearts. It is how God feels about us. Just as we hold babies close to us, God holds us close. He created us, and because He created us He is fiercely in love with us. It may never make sense to our frail minds because we aren't in the same dimension. We were intended to know and give unconditional love, but when sin entered the world it changed our understanding of everything. God loves you when you don't love yourself. He loves and accepts you as you are. The ransom on you has already been paid. This may seem wrong or literally unbelievable. So how can we reconcile the fact that God loves us as we are? We can't-- because we really don't deserve it. The best thing we can do is acknowledge our inability to 'get it' and accept the fact gracefully.
Here is a prayer you can pray:
"God, I don't know why you care so much about me. I have wronged you so many times. I wouldn't love me if I were in your position. But I know it to be true that you do love me more than I can comprehend and I thank you for sparing me. Thank you for wanting me even when I want nothing to do with you. Never let me forget your love for me and help me feel your love even when I don't want to accept it. Help me desire you as much as you desire me." Amen
Zephaniah 3:17
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice* over you with joyful songs
*In Hebrew, the word rejoice means to feel great joy and to turn around.
Imagine God spinning around, jumping, dancing and fist-pumping. FOR YOU! This is how God feels about you!
To new beginnings,
Shep
We can't explain this love because it comes from God. The intense feelings we feel are a direct translation of His supernatural character into our flawed human hearts. It is how God feels about us. Just as we hold babies close to us, God holds us close. He created us, and because He created us He is fiercely in love with us. It may never make sense to our frail minds because we aren't in the same dimension. We were intended to know and give unconditional love, but when sin entered the world it changed our understanding of everything. God loves you when you don't love yourself. He loves and accepts you as you are. The ransom on you has already been paid. This may seem wrong or literally unbelievable. So how can we reconcile the fact that God loves us as we are? We can't-- because we really don't deserve it. The best thing we can do is acknowledge our inability to 'get it' and accept the fact gracefully.
Here is a prayer you can pray:
"God, I don't know why you care so much about me. I have wronged you so many times. I wouldn't love me if I were in your position. But I know it to be true that you do love me more than I can comprehend and I thank you for sparing me. Thank you for wanting me even when I want nothing to do with you. Never let me forget your love for me and help me feel your love even when I don't want to accept it. Help me desire you as much as you desire me." Amen
Zephaniah 3:17
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice* over you with joyful songs
*In Hebrew, the word rejoice means to feel great joy and to turn around.
Imagine God spinning around, jumping, dancing and fist-pumping. FOR YOU! This is how God feels about you!
To new beginnings,
Shep
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