Inner Assault

Will you believe the voice of truth or the voice of lies
That comes to you hidden in clever disguise
The niggle in your thoughts that leads you to believe
That "everyone else is better than me"
The too-familiar notion of shame and insecurity
With the quickness to pounce upon the slightest impurity
Self-deception that states you are alone in this battle
In this frame of mind it doesn't take much to rattle you
Keep it to yourself because no one could relate
So you're trapped inside the cycle of this thing that you hate
But the truth is that inside we all feel the same
The sin with which we're dealing is a universal pain

Written on 12/28/12

Ambiguous Loss

        You can "lose" someone in so many ways. We primarily think of losing someone through death. However, you can lose relationships because of marriages/other relationships, a breach of trust, a geographical move and so much more. A relationship can change so drastically in an instant that it is not recognizable to either party. This kind of change is like a nonphysical death. You lose the person in the sense that your relationship is not on the level it once was. This is so incredibly painful.
       In physical death you at least know there is no more earthly potential or opportunity for relationship. You will miss the person but you have lost them due to uncontrollable factors. The death of a relationship, though, is so difficult because the person is still there. You have all the memories of your time with them and you are left with the feelings, but you know that things will never be the same. You want to believe that you and the other person will be redeemed and things will be restored, but you recognize that things are complicated and it's not as simple as moving on.
      We hear it said that people will come into our lives and we don't know how much time we have with them. It may be a day, a month, several years, or decades. We can find hope in believing that we encountered those people for some reason, and that their presence in our lives wasn't for naught. Every person has the opportunity to leave their mark on another. The idea of passing relationships is okay until you actually have to see the door close behind someone on their way out of your life, especially if it's someone with whom you formed a significant bond. Considering that we know the evanescence, the temporary state of things in this world, we have to wonder why we let that person get so close. How could someone have had your heart so completely that when they went away you were destroyed?
     I liken it to an earthquake. You may know you are on a fault line, and you know there could be a quake at any time, but you aren't really ready for one. You don't live in a state of expectation. When the quake hits, you are shaken to the core. After the initial shock you look around to see the pieces of your heart strewn about like the objects flung out of cabinets and off the walls. You seem to have time to assess the situation and pick up the debris but then the aftershocks begin. Just when you start to get things together and recovery is on its way, your foundation is shaken yet again.
    While I was reading the book of Hebrews, I was reminded of how I should handle my earthquakes. It is so easy to get prideful. I struggle with wanting to handle things on my own and I send God an invitation when the party is already in swing. The fact is, I'm not able to handle storms on my own. I know this. When I am struggling, I draw strength from the fact that I have a Savior walking beside me through it. I rest in the fact that whether high or low, I'm on a journey that is God-inspired. He has a way to use my circumstances for His glory. Jesus is with me whether I ask him to be or not. I do have to remember to acknowledge him and invite him to actually walk with me. Though I find comfort in the idea of God, I know this isn't enough. I have to really seek Him in times of trouble, which means praying early(and often) and going to Scripture to fortify myself before I start to think I don't need God.
    I know the reality of aftershocks. They can continue long after forgiveness has been extended or your situation stops controlling you. Pain can always creep in because there is a fault line there. Earthquakes may crack your foundation, which is why it is so important to draw from God's strength. Go to Him early on, and continually, to patch your foundation and keep it strong.
      Hebrews also gave me multiple reminders that Jesus experienced everything that we do. He definitely experienced the painful shock of separation from the one closest to him--God the Father. Jesus normally felt one with God, but he came to know the separation from God that is our constant reality. Jesus had unity with his Father until the moment that sin was upon him. The disparity between [oneness with God] and [exile through sin] that Jesus experienced was a far greater division than any separation we will ever know in our earthly relationships. 
   The bottom line is that human relationships are broken. You are allowed to grieve when you lose someone you love. But the story doesn't end there. Pick up your heart and give it to the One who made it. He will brush it off and give it back a little stronger than it was before. Now I'm not saying to just walk away when someone hurts you. That is usually not God's will. Follow His instructions for godly restoration and reconciliation and let Him heal your heart. Things may look very different but they can still be good.


I hope this helps you, my friends
Shep

Old thoughts in poetry form?

When I say this love within me is something You should handle
For I have not the power or the strength
You tell me that this love is the very thing that sets me apart and helps me draw near to You
Because You understand it best

God's heart in my human body
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Only your strength holds me together when I'm falling apart
When I have the fragments of my life whirling around like a tornado
You have every piece in its place
Try as I might I can't figure this out
I keep putting the pieces where they aren't supposed to go
You already have the puzzle glued together

 I am chaos and you are peace

I want to rest in the haven of your hand soft and warm
And leave the cold and lonely realms of the world that is my own
I play with fires that burn to mar and disfigure
But your fires burn away the impurities and all that does not need to be
I wrestle with sins that have long been forgiven
Then You spread a covering of peace over me

I am chaos and you are peace

Whirlwind

Locked out. Shut down. Access denied. No entry. No one allowed beyond this point.
Mindless chatter. Talking in circles. Lines of motion coming back on themselves.
Tired of being lured by the promise of treasure-- digging in shallow soil only to find rocks and dense, lumpy clay.
Every soul a lock box that cannot be opened because someone switched the keys on me.
Stuck in a revolving door, always being pushed along.
Standing outside doors that I can see through but I can't get inside. Trapped outside these souls, seeing what they themselves can't see. Hoping to be let in and get a chance to dust off ancient artifacts, relics of beauty that are unappreciated.
Windows with the shades down or the curtains closed. At least they hold no promises.
Labyrinths that lead you to endless corners and boxes with no exit. By the time you find the way out you are so exhausted it is hard to appreciate the resolution.
A GPS faultlessly leading you to a destination which is in fact not there.
Being teased by the thought of going on an exciting road trip and finding out the trip has been canceled.
Hundreds of trails explored, each one providing suspense and the hope of something worth seeing. Time wasted on trails that lead to nowhere. The journey isn't always worth the letdown in the end.  

Endless metaphors and analogies to illustrate the frustration of thinking you are getting somewhere with people but seeing that all the landmarks are familiar and you are still in charted territory.

Made with Care

8th Grade, Valentine's Day
 I made a special valentine for the boy I adored. I gladly spent the night before Valentine's Day preparing my masterpiece. It was a paper heart man with accordion arms and legs. The next day I was so excited but nervous to put it on his desk during the party. All the exchanges were made and I sat down at my desk. He picked up my valentine and demanded to know who had made it. "Who made this?!" Like he was angry or something. "Who made this!?"  Finally I said, kind of shyly, "I did."
He said, "Oh. Thanks."  SNAP! That's the sound of shattered hopes and a broken heart. Is that really all he had to say? Oh, thanks? No one else got a heart! I spent my valuable time on that thing, and I created it with love and passion! I managed every detail of it and worked in anticipation of what it would be! I was proud of it!
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I felt this way about a stupid valentine present. Imagine how God feels when we reject His creation, especially when the thing we are rejecting is our very self. It is like slapping God in the face and saying he didn't do well enough when He made you. God doesn't see what we see. He doesn't see ugly or fat, or big noses and crazy hair. He doesn't care because those things aren't important. The most beautiful woman in the world might never utter the name of God except in vain, and what is the use of her beauty? God sees the work of His hands, a beautiful creation that he rejoices over simply for your existence. 

God may make someone ugly, whether by that person's standards or anyone's standards, but that isn't all He gives that person. Sometimes beautiful things are in ugly packages so we can appreciate them for what they are inside and look at them as God does. What you appear to be doesn't matter. What you are is what matters. We all know hot jerks and have not-so-cute friends who are angels in disguise.

 I think once you can appreciate the beauty of your character it becomes less important what you look like. Your cute face and flat stomach won't get you spiritual wealth or enable you to better the people around you. Your kind and gentle spirit and irrational love are what make you worth something to the world. I'm talking the ability to love when it just doesn't make any sense. There is more fulfillment in developing traits that will last for a lifetime. Physical beauty is very temporary. We all age and develop wrinkles and sagging parts. Integrity, wisdom, and humility are things of beauty that will not only last but grow deeper and more attractive through a lifetime.

Good Convo

It has been too long since my last post. I have a few in the draft stage so they should be appearing shortly. There is a lot going on in my brain but I want to write something so I will just touch on what I am really thankful for right now and that is great conversations.

I have been blessed with many new relationships this year. I am getting some great opportunities to develop these relationships and I have seen growth recently. This is really exciting for me because I have been waiting a long time for this. The timing of these new bonds correlates directly with things that I have been learning this year. My heart was not ready before but God has been shaping me and showing me a lot of things.
 This past week I have had great conversations with several people and I hated for them to end. For the quantity of people we see every day, we get so little quality face time with others. I find this very frustrating because I want to know people. Today I was able to sit down with someone for more than two hours and talk about God and about life and it was wonderful! Tomorrow I am meeting up with two of my dear friends from college and I only hope I can offer them inspiration and encouragement as they have so often given me these things.

About me
My love language is quality time and that involves a lot of conversation. I feel most appreciated and cared for when people will sit down and just talk to me. I will admit that sparking this conversation with me may not be the easiest thing to do. I can be rather quiet because I don't like small talk. I want to get to the important stuff. If I am in a group and I'm sitting there like I don't want to talk to anyone, don't be fooled. Please come talk to me. During our talk, if I tell you something about myself it's because I want you to feel comfortable sharing yourself. Please don't let me leave the conversation feeling like it was all about me. I want to hear about you.

Until next time,
Shep ♥

Mosaic of Life

Life is like a mosaic. There are all these little pieces that don't look like they could be related and come together to make something intelligible to the eye. But every piece has its place, adding a little nuance of detail, to a big and beautiful collection that eventually makes sense. Every day I see how the little things in my life are fitting together into a mosaic...how that one conversation, that one song, that one friend that entered my life with such diving timing, are slowly revealing more of a larger picture that is fragmented yet amazing.

I never cease to wonder at the power of a God who can so creatively knit together the details of all of our lives simultaneously so we all experience things uniquely for our own development. I am a puzzle person so I have an extra respect for the ability to make sense of this artistic chaos. I don't know if you have ever tried a mosaic puzzle, but they aren't all that fun. Haha. You just don't know where or how to begin. There are sections of patterns in a mosaic. I find it very interesting to think that two neighboring pieces in my mosaic might be something that happened to me when I was 8 and something that will happen to me when I am 30. The thing that happened when I was 8 may have no meaning or significance until I am 30 and connect the two experiences.


Made you think!
Shep  :)