Blackhead

(Written in January 2019)

Have you seen the video about removing the 20-year-old blackhead?! Can you imagine letting something fester in you for so long? Like, how did you not address that before it became a tumor under your skin? Even if you couldn't reach it, get someone else to clear that thing out! But I was thinking, how much do we let emotional blackheads grow? Our skin is full of holes, openings where toxins are released and bacteria can get in. When bacteria get trapped in those pores, blackheads form. Just as nasty stuff gets in our skin, nasty things get caught up in our minds, like mental blackheads. These can be much easier to overlook than the ones on our skin. If something gets caught in there that you don't want in there and aren't aware of, it continues to grow.

The blackhead at the skin level get bigger and becomes a plug. Normal blackheads are squishy and sticky, but plugs are thicker and tougher. When removed, they leave a more obvious mark because they took up more space. They took up residence where they had no business being. That's what happens in our minds when we let something negative creep in.

For example, say that someone says something to you that you interpret as critical toward you, and you internalize it. You start to have negative feelings toward that person. Now, every time you interact with them, you think of that negative association. However, you don't address that instance. Instead, you let that negativity develop further. You have your guard up around that person until one day, it happens again. This time, it was more than a slight. They definitely said something rude to you. Well, that blackhead just got bigger. You may never resolve your issue with that person but you encounter many other situations that add to that blackhead. Eventually, 20 years have gone by and that thing you left untreated....it requires surgical removal.

The blackhead has invaded. It's not just at the surface of the skin. It has grown outward underneath the skin, so it can't simply be squeezed or plucked out. It requires cutting the skin, and once removed, it leaves a gaping hole. That hole leaves the flesh vulnerable to new infection, so the wound must be packed or stitched.

Take a moment to think of the potential emotional/mental blackheads lurking in your mind. That little speck that got a little too comfortable, taking up space in your brain. That thing that became a "thing." It grew bigger and you neglected to remove it when it would have been less painful to do so. Now it doesn't come out easily. You wonder how you overlooked this massive, ugly thing. Can you imagine if we were as attentive to our mental "skin" as we are our physical skin? If we took the care to wash it or at the very least examine it every day, or every week even, to make sure everything was okay? If we did an inventory of the hurts, offenses, and blemishes that we see before they can take residence in our minds?

I don't think we think about the things that people see that we don't think they can see. Like coworker who makes comments about a certain subject. You can feel through their tone that they have an attitude about that subject. Or your friend who teases people too much but can't take being the center of a joke. How much more unattractive do you think it is for people to see your mental blackheads than your physical ones? Uh, congratulations on your face, but your inner person could use a makeover?

That thing that has grown for decades doesn't leave easily. It has gotten really comfortable. If you just pick and pull at it with tweezers, you'll break it up, but little bits will still be left in there. You need a complete excavation for healing to happen. What blackheads/plugs will you get rid of today?

Note to Self (and to all women)

I have noticed that women are like rebounding nets. Every compliment or affirmation you throw a woman's way is almost guaranteed to come back. She may weakly lob it back to you, or she might hurl it violently back at you, but she won't accept it without resistance or denial. What she won't tell you is that deep inside she is excited to hear those compliments and positive words. She delights in them and wants to hear more but she berates herself for feeling that way. Woman has been taught that desiring affirmation makes her needy and needy is not desirable.

Woman is the master of deflection, a super-goalie of the heart, not letting soccer balls of love into her soul. The enemy has been lying to her. He started out with little lies, and when woman believed those, he started telling bigger lies. Suddenly woman hates herself and she doesn't know why. She feels unworthy of attention and undeserving of love. She thinks the essence of her life is underwhelming. There is nothing spectacular about her; that is what she would tell you.

However, woman has so many cheerleaders. There is something about her that the people in her life could brag to you about. She is loyal. She is caring. She is creative. She nurtures others. She sees beyond the walls. But she doesn't know how great she is. Rare is the woman who rejects all the lies inside. Rare is she who is confident and comfortable in herself. Rare is the woman who accepts without argument the idea of her amazingness. It is so easy for others to see the strong and admirable qualities in her but she doesn't embrace them in herself. This leaves those around her more frustrated because "she doesn't get it." Why can't she see how awesome she is? A woman will praise her peers all day but struggle to name one good thing about herself. 

Ladies, if you are complimented on or encouraged about a strength that is God-given, embrace it and apply yourself to making that thing better. Hone that skill, sharpen that quality, so that others can benefit more fully from what you have to offer. Stop crying into your pillow about what you don't have and what you aren't qualified to do and make something of what is already yours! You don't do much good for the Kingdom if you are trying to be your sister or neighbor or pastor's wife!
____________________
Insecurity can easily be mistaken for humility. There was a time that I was talking to a guy about becoming a personal trainer with a company that I used to work for. I guess I had told him that I had been dragging my heels because I was scared of the implications of responsibility, success, failure. I didn't feel like I was suited for the level of professionalism that I was taking on (having been independently training up to that point). He said I was humble and I could sense the respect that he had for me. I was thinking "Where did he get that impression?! He is sorely mistaken!" Humility does not involve the level of doubt that I was experiencing at that time. I couldn't even imagine how I would keep a client engaged for a whole hour! Go ahead, laugh at me, because I do.

Humility is acknowledging your ability, capability, and capacity without elevating yourself. Insecurity is uncertainty, a lack of confidence, and self-derogation. It is important to know the difference between downplaying your strengths (humility) and putting yourself down (insecurity). Insecurity dismisses, humility considers or accepts. Insecurity says "There's no way you can do that!" Humility says "It's  possible."

 It IS possible, with God. It's more than okay to be unsure about doing something in your own power. Actually, it's recommended. Self-reliance is pride, and I am oh so guilty of self-reliance! Humility recognizes that strength is from God and is dependent on Him. When you cultivate what God has placed in you, then it's time to take it to Him and let Him complete the work. I pray that you and I are able to throw off all fear and insecurity and trust in the One who gives peace and boldness.

Shine on, beautiful!
~sweetlybrokenshep~

Packing Light

These are some passages from the book Packing Light: Thoughts on Living Life with Less Baggage by Allison Vesterfelt. Quotes are italicized, my responses are not. These are only some snippets of the book that impacted me. I realize that you won't get the full context and impact that I did unless you read the whole text (which I recommend), but I think you'll get the idea. Some of my thoughts were written a couple of years ago I think, and some were added today.


"Wanting something meant feeling the pain of not having it, and feeling the pain of chasing it down."
 There is something about wanting that is inherently painful. I don't know about you, but there have been times that I've wanted something so much it literally hurt. Not having what you want means you have to wait. That experience will stretch you and that is also painful. Which part is worse, feeling the pain of not having something, or the pain of chasing it down? The way Allison phrases this sentence makes whatever she wanted sound really elusive. How do you chase down something you can't quite put your finger on?


"We're scared to choose anything--a school, a job, a spouse--because choosing one thing means letting go of several others. But sometimes having limited options is a blessing. It makes it easier to choose our path, and choosing means we get to zoom in and enjoy our one, complicated, imperfect path, instead of trying to halfway entertain a bunch of others. No matter which school we pick, it won't be perfect. No matter who we marry, our spouse will have flaws. But choosing means jumping in and accepting that path for all of its triumphs and trials. It means letting go of other roads, but in the end, it's better than never really choosing anything at all."
 Whew, this really resonates with me! I'm terribly indecisive. Possibilities paralyze me. I'm guilty of "halfway entertaining" things. It's a strength and a weakness. It makes me flexible but mediocre. This is why my word for 2016 was direction.* I need to jump in and choose a road and ride out the triumphs and trials. Choosing means letting go of other options, but it's better than never choosing anything.

"We can't measure the value of our decisions based on outcomes. Most of life is not an outcome. Most of life is unfolding on the road in front of us. The "outcome" can change as fast as the scenery." "Sometimes there are not right and wrong decision. There are just different choices with different benefits, different ramifications, and different baggage."
It's not about the destination but the journey. The road we choose may or may not take us to our desired or expected destination, but hopefully we're better off for having taken the journey. Part of the adventure is in not having a concrete outcome. Outcomes change like scenery or the seasons. It is important to be flexible so you don't miss the lessons along the way.

"As scared as I was of chaos and the unknown, I was equally scared of the mundane and predictable. In fact, I felt caught between the two. Which one was I supposed to choose? I was desperate for a road map, something concrete and definitive that would answer all these questions. At the same time I worried I would take all the right turns, make all the right steps, follow all the directions, and at the end would find out the terrain of my life was meaningless and boring. I told God all of this, and He just listened."
I feel like this. It's like I'm already living the mundane and predictable, but everything else is so unsure and unpredictable. How can I know that it will result in anything worthwhile? I could do all the things I think I'm supposed to do, the things I think I want to do, and still be miserable. At least the difference there would be that I went on some kind of adventure rather than sitting motionless, not taking a chance that there would be something more fulfilling on the other side. 


"I want to be the kind of writer who is awake to the realities of heaven, but engaged in the realities of this world. I pictured myself throwing a lasso around the feeling I had right now, in the middle of nowhere, and dragging it with me back to civilization. That's what I hoped I could do with words. I hoped I could invite people into realities they had never experienced. I hoped I could wake them up to a life they wanted to be living. I would give up anything to keep this feeling--the feeling of being close to Him."
Whenever I open my mouth or spill out my thoughts on paper or on this screen, I hope to challenge you into new ways of thinking. What I contribute should make you ponder something, challenge your worldview, or make you ask questions of yourself or the world you live in. Ultimately, I hope to connect you to our Creator through my experience of connection with Him.

"So the problem with expectations, if there is a problem, is that our expectations aren't big enough to hold the possibilities that will unfold in front of us. Our single perspective is so limited. Vision changes everything. Sometimes we need to change locations in order to see something amazing, but sometimes it's simpler than that. Sometimes what we need is to change our perspective. It's not about ignoring expectations, or lowering them. It's about letting the events of our journey shape our expectations, even as they shape us. If the location where you're standing is less than energizing, check your vision. don't abandon your expectations. Try to see them from a different perspective. 
Maybe if we mastered the art of expecting the unusual, we would start experiencing the unusual. Maybe we have more control over the direction of our lives than we think. Maybe we should live our lives in a constant state of expectation, always curious and excited about the possibilities that could unfold in front of us. Maybe it is our sense of vision that colors our reality. " 
I know that there are realities far beyond my feeble imagination. But my perspective is so small. How have you enriched your life by altering your perspective rather than your expectations?

 "Maybe we missed something at Mt. Rushmore because we hadn't taken long enough to look around. Maybe we gave up too easily."
Oof.

"Just expect amazing scenery, without knowing what it will look like. Don't try to imagine it, just know it will come. That way, when it comes and it looks different than you expect, you won't miss it." 
This. One of the scariest ideas is the thought of missing out on something because it looks different than you expected. Once you imagine something, you kind of put a boundary or limitation on it. Your thoughts put a concrete definition to something that is much more insubstantial. Then, when you start looking for that thing, your expectations may not be met because "the thing" actually looks completely different.

*Actually, my word for 2016 became breakthrough, but for me direction and breakthrough can be intermingled.

Buy the book!

Mystery Ride: Part 1

Don't try to figure it out, just enjoy the ride. It's what someone says when they are taking you for a surprise. It's also how I'm trying to view my life right now. There is so much to experience; life is but one great adventure. I have so many ideas of what I want those experiences to be, and I'm really good at holding out for them. I feel that I won't be able to hit certain milestones without hitting certain other ones first. For example, I don't believe that I will surrender my heart to a man and marry him until I have traveled a bit and done some things that require great faith and risk. But who am I to say that things need to happen in that sequence? What if the journey looks different than I have pictured it? What if I have it backwards, and all that crazy amazingness happens after I've settled down with my future husband? So now I'm trying to accept that how the adventure happens is not as important as enjoying the adventure itself.

 Facebook reminded me that I must have been thinking some of the same things five years ago.This is not the first time that I wrote about something that paralleled my experience at the same time in a previous year. That's just a reminder of how cyclical life is. I shared this quote in March  2013.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
--Joseph Campbell

I agree with this quote.....but why is it so stinking hard to execute? The plans I have for myself might not be the best ones for me. What would it look like if I could really surrender myself to life as it happens? To go for something and not be afraid that it would throw off the picture I already have in my head? I want to be ok with erasing that picture and letting another beautiful thing replace it. So far, I suck at surrender. If anything, I'm in overdrive working to make some of my plans come to fruition. This could end in elation or heartbreak, but I don't think I'll be satisfied until I give it my all. Join me on this adventure to find out how it unfolds. To be continued.....

Leap of Faith

I was once at a playground watching a man and his son having an exchange. The dad wanted his little boy to jump from a platform about eight feet high. The boy was obviously scared to jump. The man kept reassuring his son that he would be caught and it was safe to jump. Dad held out his arms and the boy started to work up the nerve to jump. He eventually stepped off the platform, but he wasn't fully committed. He kept his hand on the railing, hindering his jump. The dad couldn't catch the boy properly because of the son's lack of trust and the fear that kept his hand on safety. There was a pole next to the dad, and the boy hit his head on it during the fall.

 I couldn't help but imagine how shattered the son's trust in his dad would be from that moment forward. In his little mind, his daddy had encouraged this dangerous act, certain that he would catch his little boy. That situation could become a defining moment in that boy's life. But sadly, if he had released his hand from the railing, he would have landed safely in his daddy's arms. I'm sure the dad felt awful that he wasn't able to keep his son safe and unharmed. That had to be so embarassing. I was very sad for both of them.

Maybe you can see where I'm going with this. I know that the leap-from-the-cliff example is an obvious one, as it has been used many times. However, I'm adding the bit about letting go of the railing. God wants us to step out in faith because He has us. We will land in His arms if we trust Him. The problem is that, in our fear, in those moments that we aren't sure that the landing is guaranteed to be safe, we try to hold on to the bit of security and control we think we have. Imagine that you are cliff-diving. You step up to the edge and look down into the cerulean sea, first noticing that right below where you are standing is an extrusion of jagged rocks. You have to be all in to make this jump. If you don't get far enough out, you won't clear those rocks and you will be seriously hurt. If you retreat for a running start, then start to slow and change your mind, you put yourself in more danger than if you had just committed to the leap.

God is the father telling us it's okay to leave the ledge. If God is asking us to make a leap of faith, it doesn't do us any good to hold on to doubt. We have to completely surrender to have the full, beautiful experience. There is exhilaration in being uncertain but taking the chance anyway.

What if that boy on the playground had fullly trusted his dad and jumped without hesitation? The dad would have caught his son, who would have laughed and raced up to make another leap. This is what happens when we fully surrender to the call of our Heavenly Father. Though scared, we jump with reckless abandon. He catches us. We trust Him. Later, He asks us to jump again. We remember how He proved trustworthy by catching us the time before. So we jump again. And so on and so forth.....

Smashing Trash

        Yesterday I saw this really cool machine at Walgreens. You put trash bags in it and it smashes them down so you can fit more garbage in the can. It is efficient and saves the company money on trash disposal services. But my first thought after, "Wow, that's awesome!" was about how messy the inside of that fancy machine must get. Commercial-use trash bags are not known for their durability. I've seen them tear very easily. I pictured nasty bits of food and goo getting squeezed out of their pitiful bags and stinking up the inside of the can. What seems to be handy and efficient at first glance can get really yucky without the proper care.

This is how I am with my emotions. I have stuffed and packed and stuffed and packed so much inside that I don't even remember all of what is in there. But I know when it starts to stink and it is time to empty the receptacle. It's great to be able to tuck something away and crush it to oblivion in the dark corners of your mind--it's just not healthy to do that continually. Over the past several months it has been easier for me to pull those emotions out and say what I'm thinking and feeling. Maybe it's because that garbage machine is full and the trash is easily accessible at the top. Maybe I've gotten better at not relying on the crusher so much. Ultimately, it is both of these things, because I have grown.

Have you ever taken the lid off of a trash can, gotten a whiff of its contents, and been able to guess what's inside based on a specific odor? Like you don't know specifically what's in there, but you know it is something containing eggs or meat or onions? Well, I have gotten a whiff of what is inside myself and it's not pleasant. I smell a load of anger.. I may not know all the sources of my anger without further inspection, but I know it is there. I've been tossing little bits of it so often that I easily forget just how much of it is in there. But anger doesn't empty easily. It sticks to everything else in my mind, and the walls of the trash can. The bag in my trash crusher is broken and is releasing some putrid stuff.

When you wait too long to clean something up, it can be unrecognizable. It takes a lot of effort to get the job done. Throughout various jobs I  have had to scrape some calcified or sticky substance off a surface, and I've taken injuries to do it. The cleanup became painful because something that was never meant to be there was allowed to stay and settle in. The same is true of emotional trash. It's always going to be unpleasant to address. However, old messes can be more painful to clean up than fresh ones. So take care of your trash before it takes root and causes a big stink.. Even if you are nose-blind to it, other people will notice the smell.

By the way, I still think the machine is awesome. This is compounded (see what I did there?) by the fact that I was going to write about emotional suppression yesterday anyway. The garbage crusher just gave me a great metaphor.

With peace and love,
Shep

Read All About It

Read All About It

Read All About It Part III by Emeli Sande
What a great song. I have always appreciated it, but I have been thinking about it in a different light recently. Though a secular song, it can easily be used in a spiritual way. I'm going to break down the lyrics and explain.

You've got the words to change a nation
But you're biting your tongue
You've spent a life time stuck in silence
Afraid you'll say something wrong
If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?

We have so much to say. On some level we know the power within us. We know what needs to be done but we're holding back. We are not meant to bite our tongues with the words that God has given us. These words were meant to change our church, our nation, our world.
Sometimes we fear that we will say the wrong thing. Maybe our words will not be in God's will. Maybe someone will be offended. Maybe you will scare someone off. Maybe you will not be liked by someone or by a lot of people. I will say it again; we are not meant to bite our tongues with the words that God has given us! He gave us all a voice to use!

You've got a heart as loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Maybe we're a little different
There's no need to be ashamed

You've got a heart as loud as lions so why let your voice be tamed? Wow, can anyone say 'powerful lyric?' What is it that the Bible says? From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks? Yeah, that's it! Luke 6:45. I'm giving this a fresh look. What is in your heart determines your voice. If your heart is roaring like a lion, why isn't your voice? Our hearts are not awakened for us to remain asleep. Why are we lions walking around in sheep's skin? As Christians, we are different from the world. At least we should be. We. cannot. be. ashamed! The world needs to hear our roar! Even within the church we get silenced. The beat of my heart may be different from yours. It probably is and that's okay. God gives us each a unique heartbeat so that together we can fulfill each part of His Kingdom.

You've got the light to fight the shadows
So stop hiding it away
Come on, come on

The shadows are large and they are many. But the shadows are no match for the light in our hearts. If you had the cure for AIDS, would you keep it a secret? We succumb to the idea that the small light that we offer cannot possibly make a difference. There is an enormous amount of darkness in the world. If we don't shine any light on it, there will cease to be light. Darkness is simply the absence of light. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe your world is so dark because you have not cast light on it? My neighborhood has streetlights every 100 yards or so. I always notice immediately when one of them is out. I don't know that by looking directly at the source of light. I know it because I see the darkness in the area where there should be light. Darkness makes navigation harder and gives evil an easier time of showing itself. Darkness cannot be where light is present. I admit that I am guilty of blowing the whistle on the shadows when my light is turned off. How can I despair over darkness when I am doing nothing to dispel it? It's time to shut up or shine bright.

If the truth has been forbidden
Then we're breaking all the rules

Oooh, this is a big one. The truth is nearly forbidden in this country. Christians are attacked for believing in truth. So we're breaking all the rules. Outlaws for Christ, baby!

Let's get the TV and the radio
To play our tune again
It's 'bout time we got some airplay of our version of events
There's no need to be afraid
I will sing with you my friend

We once had a voice for God in the media. It is rapidly being stripped away.  Let's speak a little louder. Let's be firm. Let's get back in the media and get them to play our tune of truth again. Our version of events is no longer heard. It's too offensive and exclusionary. No one cares to hear what Christians really think and believe beyond what secular media has to say about us. We have been scared into silence. If we join together we can sing loud and proud and not be afraid.


*Note: This was written long ago, before I learned how the media really works. I made it sound so simple but it's not. There is a good bit on television about Christianity and much of it looks legit. If you look past the surface at the bigger picture you will see that these productions are really meant to discredit Christianity. I found this in my drafts and I have no idea why I didn't post it sooner.

I'm baaaaack! Here's what happened in 2015!

     I put off writing this for weeks. Maybe it's because I didn't want to relive the past year. Maybe it's because I knew that I would have to share it, which makes no sense because the whole purpose of writing this is to explain myself and apologize. I want everyone to understand where I've been. I will not qualify my experiences any further, for you will interpret them as you wish. So here goes...
    2015 really sucked!  A little backstory is necessary for you to get the picture. In 2014 I chose a theme word for the year. My word was "RISK." 2014 was about embracing risk and living it out. I believe I embodied it in my own way. I was more persistent than usual. I risked my biggest dreams, taking chances on jobs that I really wanted. I risked heartbreak in that way. In December 2014, I was turned down for a job at Heartlight Ministries. I really thought that Heartlight was God's answer to my prayer because of the way it came up so spontaneously. It seemed like the perfect opportunity for me as well as a logical next step for my desired career path. To be denied that opportunity was unacceptable to me.
    Here is where I have a problem. It has to do with how I subconsciously view my experiences. It's like I take 'no' as 'never' rather than 'not right now' or 'not this way.' Persistent I am not. When I hit a wall I turn around rather than finding another way. One of the spiritual lies that tends to creep into my mind is that God won't fulfill my dreams, that He will dangle them in front of me only to snatch them away when I get really excited. I often feel like I'm being teased when I see something that I want and I don't get it. Like, why do I  have to see a job posting if nothing is to come of it? It should just stay off my radar! Let me just say that that is no was to think of the God of the universe! He is not about teasing you or manipulating you or hiding things from you. Anyway, as incorrect as those ideas are, that is how I felt.
     Sometimes risk results in a fall. I fell. I broke. There's nothing wrong with that. But I didn't get up right away. Instead I squirmed and flailed about in the broken shards of my dreams, hurting myself more. So at the beginning of last year I was in a funk. I began to shut down on God while going through the motions. I had to hold it together to some extent because I had a lot of spiritual responsibility. I was overseeing two young ladies in mentoring relationships and I was serving on the worship team at church. I felt strapped down in a place I didn't want to be, a church I knew I didn't belong in anymore. I was kicking myself for committing myself to leadership when I knew I wanted out.
     I cut back on church involvement and told the leaders that I was leaving. I picked a terrible week to have those conversations. I'm getting personal here, but it's relevant. Unbeknownst to me, it was the week that my period would come. You see, I have PCOS,(polycystic ovarian syndrome), so I don't have regular periods. It had been a year and a half since the last one, so think PMS times 18 (not literally, but you know what I mean). My emotions were ridiculous. So if I talked to you then and you're reading this, I hope this explains my crazy. PCOS does some unfriendly things to your body.
     Emotionally, I was a mess. Spiritually, I was falling apart. Physically, I was buying time that I didn't have and harming my body. In June 2014, I started having pain in my knee. I rested it off and on, but was too impatient to rest completely so I ignored the pain. On some level, I think I was desperately clinging to the one thing that was still good in my life. Eventually the aches and pains started to snowball and I had to stop the sports. My physical therapist told me that when there is pain in more than one area, you tend to notice the one screaming the loudest. She was referring to physical pain, but I think the same is true when you consider emotional pain and other types. I was in pain in every sense. I was losing nearly everything important to me. Depression was lurking. Chronic pain leads to anxiety and depression, which worsens the pain. PCOS also contributes to depression and mental illness.  I'm a firm believer in the psychosomatic connection. My guess is that much of my pain is stress stored in my body as well as a physical manifestation of negative emotions that weren't well-handled. There were a bunch of things that happened in 2014 that I hadn't properly processed. In June of last year it all caught up to me. I had to stop playing sports so my body could heal.
       After leaving my church I was initially excited, or maybe I pretended to be because I should have been. But I quickly slipped further into depression as I got tired of trying to hold on.  To me the experience was like a breakup. You're sad because of the memories, nervous about putting your heart back on the market, and excited because you know there's a better fit out there for you. I intended to look for a new church home but instead I shut God out.I stopped going to church. It was like I couldn't go. I would make plans to visit a church and I would drive there, only to sit in the parking lot, unable to leave my car. A couple of times I went to my parents' church because I could be with my family. However, I felt like an outsider in church, a place that I have spent nearly every Sunday in my whole life. I lost all desire for it and I didn't miss it. The only thing I missed was the many hugs that I got every Sunday and Wednesday. What I felt was relief that I didn't have to be there. I was no longer anchored by commitments to serve. The term for this is burnout, and man was I burnt out!
   One week I sat in the parking lot of Alive Community Church. The back door was open, so I sat in my car and listened to some of the worship music. Maybe I couldn't go in the building (where I knew I would be embraced and loved), but it was a step in the right direction. I didn't know how to navigate the path I was on. It was absolutely foreign to me to not want to be in church. I stopped caring about things that are very important to me. I broke a vow I had with myself and crossed boundaries without second thought and without guilt. Apathy is a scary place. You know you should care but you don't. Maybe you'd rather feel guilt than emptiness. The only thing I was apologetic for was hurting other people in the process and dragging them down with me. I was living out the saying "Hurt people hurt people."
   When things aren't going well, I isolate myself. Isolation was my defense and my destruction. Not only did I not talk to people who cared about me, I just vanished. To my friends, I'm sorry I disappeared on you. If you thought I gave up on you, I didn't. I just couldn't deal. To my family, I'm sorry that you had to be concerned. To God, I'm sorry that I hardly talked to you when I needed you most. Thanks to the people who reached through my darkness to take my hand. I love you and appreciate you. When I finally decided to come out of hiding, I had some challenges and setbacks. I wanted to shut down again but I had encouragement.
    The last few months of  2015 were dedicated to fixing my body and my mindset. I finally got into physical therapy, over a year late and with extra broken parts. I went to Toastmasters a few times, reawakening my vision for public speaking. I attended a small group where I was invited to lead worship. That was one of the most healing experiences because I could finally use my voice. I started going to a church that put me right to work with some awesome people :)  I will have to tell you about that in another post. All in all, the year ended much better than it started.
    Where am I now? In light of chronic pain, PCOS, spiritual rebellion, and some structural issues with my body, I was a recipe for disaster. My physical recovery has not progressed as I had hoped; I still have a long way to go. I'm not nearly as depressed as I was, but I have a good bit of anxiety. My spiritual fire is at a fraction of where it used to be, but I'm on my way back up. I have good people in my life and I'm supported. I'm trying to be more aware of unpleasant emotions and work through them. That's why I'm writing, and why I avoided this one for so long. 
    Writing is very important to me, but I'm usually not very disciplined about doing it. Lately I have been writing 15 minutes a day (30 minutes if I miss a day). People say that I'm ''hard to read," "hard to get to know well," "holding back," "I need to let my walls down", etc. I won't go into how frustrating that is but I will say that I can be very vulnerable with my written pieces. I hope they clarify to you what I can't seem to express otherwise. If you want to know me better, I suggest you read what I write. If I know you're reading, I will write more. After all, this isn't for me but for you. Given that it has been a couple of years, I'm a bit rusty. However, I'm getting a lot of practice lately ;)
     I want to end this manifesto with something positive.  Sometimes God has to do a complete reworking of everything we know in order to move us forward. All the things that hinder us have to be stripped away. We have to be broken of the things that falsely keep us together. Looking at my life from that perspective, I can see a systematic breakdown of everything. Now I'm starting with a new blueprint. I read something recently about how the same elements and materials can be used to build completely different things based on the plans of the builder. We go through stages in life where our buildings are knocked down. We keep the same elements but rearrange them as our priorities and vision change and we build something new.
    As 2015 ended, I got the feeling that I am on the edge of  a breakthrough.  Something big is about to happen, and I'm excited to see what it is! Stay tuned to stay in the loop! This post was all about me because I had to get some stuff out of the way, but I have some pending material that will get you engaged. As always, comments are welcome!

Love,
Shep

Shoutouts!!  ♥♥♥

Thanks to Audrey for staying in touch, for your encouragement, and for always being my prayer warrior.
Thanks to Lorisa for keeping after me through text message to make sure I stay social....and for making me s'mores pancakes on my birthday!
Thanks to Pastor Steve, Deanne, and Dee for always making me feel like a rock star and for putting my talents to use. Your support is everything!
Thanks to Kelly for reaching out and inviting me to small group.
Thanks to Devin for your encouragement and your prayers and thanks for reading!
Thanks to Lauren for being a friend to me when I was a mess, even if you didn't know how much I was hurting.
  

One order of humility, coming right up!

       One day, a woman walked into a restaurant wearing a scowl. The hostess knew the woman would be a piece of work, so she sat her in the section of the restaurant's best waiter. This waiter was very skilled and had been serving people for many years. He had many regular guests that would request him by name. The waiter had also had more than his share of difficult guests over the years, and had proved to be very good at handling those people. This particular guest would be a difficult one. The woman was very demanding and hard to please. She did not smile much and no matter how much the waiter did to stay ahead of the woman's needs, she always found something to complain about.
     The waiter started off by telling his guest about the specials. These were the prime options for the day. He had to go to a lot of effort to memorize all the details of the specials menu and the cooks would have to go to extra lengths to prepare these meals. The woman had already decided what she wanted and proceeded to order. The waiter knew that what she ordered was not great, certainly not the best thing on the menu. He politely offered a couple different options that he knew to be very enjoyable.
 He even bent down and whispered to her, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but many people have complained about the entree you ordered. But people have been raving about this other entree. No matter what you choose, though, I will be happy to serve you." At this, he straightened with a smile and a wink.
The woman replied, "I like to find out myself whether something is good or not. I tend to not follow the crowd." As if to spite the waiter for his unsolicited advice, the woman ordered a couple other items that were unhealthy choices. Managing to hide a knowing look, the waiter was happy to oblige.
       When the appetizer came out, the woman dug right in. She felt a bit guilty as she greedily scarfed down the greasy, artery-clogging mozzarella sticks, but they sure tasted good! It didn't take long, however, for them to sit heavy in her gut.
     The woman was still excited to try the main course and complained to the waiter that it took just a little too long for her meal to come out. He assured the woman that the cook was making sure that the food was just right. When the woman's food came out, she dismissed the waiter with a sniff (not even a thank you) and began to eat. She was not especially impressed, but it was not the worst meal ever.
The waiter came around and noticed that the woman was picking at her food."How did the food turn out?" he asked, knowing that that was a loaded question.
   "Well," she replied, just to give him a hard time, "the rice is undercooked and the vegetables are very bland." 
"I'm sorry to hear that. Is there anything else I can get for you?"
"A chocolate milk shake. Make it to go."
"Coming right up. It looks like you're  finished with your meal. Would you like me to take your plate?"
He could barely get the words out before she glared at him and said, "No, I'm still eating."
The waiter hustled off to get the milkshake. When he returned, he could see that the woman had not taken a single bite more of her meal. She had pushed her food around the plate and was making a mess. She looked up at him as if challenging him to say something about it. 
    The woman paid her check and left a measly tip. She walked out with her milkshake, feeling unsatisfied and a bit queasy. After a few sips she tossed the milkshake in the trash. She climbed in her car and sat there in silence and misery for a few minutes. She knew that she hadn't been very friendly to the waiter, and he really was a great waiter. She knew she should have listened to his suggestions and she wished that she had let him take her plate away because it only served to remind her of her poor choice. The woman knew what she had to do.
     A week later, at about the same time, the woman returned to the restaurant. She asked for the waiter by name. Amazingly, he was happy to see her. You would never know that she had treated him so terribly. This made her feel worse but she smiled at him anyway. She was determined to make this time different. The woman greeted the waiter by name. "Hello, Joshua."
"Hello."
"I'm sorry for the way I treated you last time. I should have listened to your advice. You were right. I felt so sick after eating that junk. So tell me, what's the best thing on this menu?"
Joshua said, "I thought you'd never ask."
______________________________________

    Yesterday I started my day off all wrong. I probably would have gotten out of the wrong side of the bed if it wasn't against a wall. I had a self-induced terrible day. Yesterday I decided to feast on pride and envy, but partway through I realized that I didn't like how it tasted. I sent it back to the kitchen and in return I was served a big platter of humility. It tasted much better than my first choice. That's right folks, it's a choice. I can see something I don't like, but I don't have to let it get me down. I can keep looking back at it to see if it's still going to bother me, but that's not a wise decision because it will just fuel my negative feelings.
    I walked out of church yesterday during the service. Yep, you read that correctly. I walked out and went home. I decided I didn't want to be in church. I wanted to be in a bubble of prideful stupidity, but I didn't want to affect other people with that negativity. The story above isn't how I intended to share my experience. I rarely write stories. But I do have a [God-given] knack for translating complex ideas into simple ones, and what better way to do that than through a story that everyone will understand?
    I am clearly the problematic woman in this story. You might chuckle at this, but guess what? You're probably that woman too. I went there. Believe it. Alright, alright, I will just pick on myself for now. Hopefully you got some of the message of the story anyway.
  The waiter represents God. The woman went in the restaurant with a negative attitude, so she was already at a disadvantage. When offered some good options, she declined those because she had already decided she didn't want what was good. I have options for how I act every day. God presents options such as love, submission, and humility. My options look like selfish ambition, envy, and pride.
    The woman in the story said no to God's recommendations. She wanted the things that would taste good for a little while even though they would leave her feeling rotten. Like the waiter, God is there when we call on Him. He is also behind the scenes watching and working so He can fulfill our needs before we realize them. This is what a good servant does. I often fail to appreciate those efforts because I can only taste the food in front of me. I don't know what's coming next. I don't experience the good and pleasing things because I wanted to fill my table with junk. The waiter was very considerate in offering the woman some suggestions. God knows what the results of my choices will be. He warns me away from bad choices, but I will charge on unheeded towards the things that I want. God, like the waiter, responds to my requests even if they are ridiculous. He doesn't do this in ways that will harm me but in ways that make me uncomfortable. The discomfort teaches me to heed His advice.
     Notice how the woman complained about her food taking too long. She had already enjoyed a yummy appetizer. What's her deal? I'll tell you what my deal is. The pride that I had decided to order wasn't enough, and I needed envy to feed me too. As the waiter said, the cook was just making sure the food came out cooked to perfection. The woman might have received a better meal, but because she complained, she got served too soon. How often do I try to rush God when it comes to my orders? In turn, how many times am I dissatisfied with what's on my plate because I couldn't wait for it to come to perfection?
   The waiter noticed when the woman stopped eating. She had made a mess of things but was too proud to admit she didn't want any more of what she had wanted not so long ago. God comes to me when He sees me sitting in the mess that I have made, the mess I asked for, and He asks if He can take it away. He doesn't want me to be continually reminded of my stubborn, prideful choices. I originally wanted this part of the story to be very different. The woman was going to be relieved and plead the waiter to take away the plate. However, I wanted to emphasize the way that I sometimes cling to my mess when I've actually had enough. I also wanted to emphasize the importance of humbly returning to God, apologizing to Him, and asking for His guidance.
    I spent part of my Sunday evening listening to a sermon from one of my favorite speakers, Steven Furtick. The plate of pride and envy that I had been chomping on all day was replaced with a platter of humility as I was slapped lovingly in the face with a whole lotta truth! I am ever thankful to be loved by a God who is so patient and gentle with me when I am being stupid! Thank you for reading!

Love, Shep


  

Moving On

Memories and flashbacks of a life I left behind
Searching for that something that was never mine to find
The things that I was holding and the things that held my heart
Turned out to be the very things that ripped my heart apart.

There's no turning back now, my decisions have been made
As I step into the future my past will surely fade
Not to be forgotten for there were many lessons learned
There is beauty in the ashes from every time that I've been burned

You think you know what's good for you
You think you know what's best
But you don't know what you believe
Until you put it to the test

Will you push through and come out stronger than before?
Or will you spend your nights curled up crying on the floor?
Will you turn your eyes to Heaven while you wait patiently
Or try to make your life all you think that it should be?


Shep

Conviction or Condemnation?

Have you ever been in a group of Evangelical Christians*?  If so, you have undoubtedly heard, and likely used, the word(s) “convicted” or “conviction.” You might hear someone say “I’ve been really convicted about ______ lately,” or “That sermon was really convicting!” But what does this really mean? Here are some general definitions of the word:

Conviction- A declaration that a person is guilty of an offense; the act of moving a person by argument or evidence to belief, agreement, consent, or a course of action; the proving of guilt.

Conviction in the Christian context means something like this: A person’s imperfection has been pointed out and acknowledged, and that person has hope and the desire to change. Translation: I see how I’m failing, and I’ve been given examples of what it is to be better. This has hit me where it hurts, but in a way that inspires me to take action and pursue improvement through God’s power. I’m glad that my pride is suffering and my weakness has been exposed so I can be made stronger in my faith. Conviction is when the Holy Spirit awakens us to things in our lives that are displeasing to God. There is an invitation to live in the way God desires and intends for us to live. Conviction tells us that we are forgiven.

Conviction has a cousin that likes to confuse Christians and attack their faith. This cousin is named condemnation. Condemnation says “You aren’t good enough. Your best is not enough. You have screwed up so much already that you shouldn’t even try to do what is right. You won’t be able to change.”  Condemnation often wears a cloak of conviction, but don’t be fooled. The goal is to sidetrack us from what God is trying to tell us to do or change.

Condemnation- Strong Censure;  reproof; expression of strong disapproval ; to compel or force into a particular state or activity;  to judge or pronounce unfit for use or service.

Let’s take a deeper look at these two words:

Conviction…….

…is constructive

...true guilt

…feels light and right

...leads to contrition  (think the child with the pouty face who will do anything to make you happy)      

...is godly sorrow that prompts repentance                                                                                   …separates us from the problem

…is a sharp needle that hits the trouble spot

…clearly enlightens our conscience

…produces hunger for God and Scripture

…opens the door for mercy and freedom from sin

...shows you the way out, the solution to the problem

…pushes you toward God

…comes from the Holy Spirit

                                                                                                                                                            

Condemnation…

…is destructive

…false guilt

...feels heavy and wrong

...leads to feeling worthless

…binds us to the problem

…is a sledgehammer pounding aimlessly and relentlessly

…is fuzzy and puts a dark pressure on our soul

…keeps the Bible closed

…imprisons us in a pit of shame

...shows the problem but avoids the solution

…pushes you away from God

…comes from Satan

For the past couple of months I have been unsatisfied with the way I have been spending my time and using my personal resources. I have also been feeling like I really need to step out of my comfort zone and not be so safe. At first I thought that I was being convicted about these things. Then I  really started thinking about the distinction between conviction and condemnation, and I quickly realized that I was actually experiencing the latter. 

                I could feel God trying to speak to me, as He sometimes does by repeating a theme. I will come across a message repeatedly and know that I should be paying attention and learning from it. Well, let’s just say that the message has never had to be repeated so much! Though I acknowledged the message and said “Ok God, I get it!” I wouldn’t let it really sink in and change me. I wasn’t able to because I was wrapped up in the guilt and shame that are characteristic of condemnation. Take another look at the definition of condemnation that is in bold. To judge or pronounce unfit for use or service.  This is exactly what the Satan tells us. He tells us that we are too flawed or imperfect for God to use. Here is a prime example of a spiritual battle. I know what God wanted me to hear, but what I heard instead was Satan’s voice keeping me from God’s goodness. The enemy took my desire for God and I immediately became apathetic and complacent.

This period of darkness came right on the heels of a period of great focus and motivation to change and improve my path, maybe even a period that I would consider to be one of conviction. I was really close to God and going after Him right before I ended up being condemned. Satan is very predictable in this way. He likes to attack when we are trying to be close to God and fall asleep at the wheel or hit a small bump in the road.

                Instead of using difficulties that god could have used to make me stronger, I took those challenges as a red light and I gave up too easily, just as Satan wanted me to. That was the point that he had me.  I am coming out of that condemnation now. It is slow and difficult, but I am fighting back. God is restoring me. I thank God for my warriors who stayed by my side, praying for me and challenging me during my complacency.♥

Will you believe the half-truths of Satan or the whole truth from God? Don’t listen to the lies of the enemy! We must trust what God’s Word says over our feelings! Our feelings are fleeting; they change. God’s Word never changes, and neither do His promises. Christ's sacrifice for your sins will never be undone or redone!   

Job 15:6 Your own mouth condemns you, not I.
Romans 8:1-2  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.

Thanks for reading!

Shep

*Evangelical Christians here meaning those with belief in Jesus who deem their faith and relationship with Christ to be the primary influence on their life and behavior.

Inner Assault

Will you believe the voice of truth or the voice of lies
That comes to you hidden in clever disguise
The niggle in your thoughts that leads you to believe
That "everyone else is better than me"
The too-familiar notion of shame and insecurity
With the quickness to pounce upon the slightest impurity
Self-deception that states you are alone in this battle
In this frame of mind it doesn't take much to rattle you
Keep it to yourself because no one could relate
So you're trapped inside the cycle of this thing that you hate
But the truth is that inside we all feel the same
The sin with which we're dealing is a universal pain

Written on 12/28/12

Ambiguous Loss

        You can "lose" someone in so many ways. We primarily think of losing someone through death. However, you can lose relationships because of marriages/other relationships, a breach of trust, a geographical move and so much more. A relationship can change so drastically in an instant that it is not recognizable to either party. This kind of change is like a nonphysical death. You lose the person in the sense that your relationship is not on the level it once was. This is so incredibly painful.
       In physical death you at least know there is no more earthly potential or opportunity for relationship. You will miss the person but you have lost them due to uncontrollable factors. The death of a relationship, though, is so difficult because the person is still there. You have all the memories of your time with them and you are left with the feelings, but you know that things will never be the same. You want to believe that you and the other person will be redeemed and things will be restored, but you recognize that things are complicated and it's not as simple as moving on.
      We hear it said that people will come into our lives and we don't know how much time we have with them. It may be a day, a month, several years, or decades. We can find hope in believing that we encountered those people for some reason, and that their presence in our lives wasn't for naught. Every person has the opportunity to leave their mark on another. The idea of passing relationships is okay until you actually have to see the door close behind someone on their way out of your life, especially if it's someone with whom you formed a significant bond. Considering that we know the evanescence, the temporary state of things in this world, we have to wonder why we let that person get so close. How could someone have had your heart so completely that when they went away you were destroyed?
     I liken it to an earthquake. You may know you are on a fault line, and you know there could be a quake at any time, but you aren't really ready for one. You don't live in a state of expectation. When the quake hits, you are shaken to the core. After the initial shock you look around to see the pieces of your heart strewn about like the objects flung out of cabinets and off the walls. You seem to have time to assess the situation and pick up the debris but then the aftershocks begin. Just when you start to get things together and recovery is on its way, your foundation is shaken yet again.
    While I was reading the book of Hebrews, I was reminded of how I should handle my earthquakes. It is so easy to get prideful. I struggle with wanting to handle things on my own and I send God an invitation when the party is already in swing. The fact is, I'm not able to handle storms on my own. I know this. When I am struggling, I draw strength from the fact that I have a Savior walking beside me through it. I rest in the fact that whether high or low, I'm on a journey that is God-inspired. He has a way to use my circumstances for His glory. Jesus is with me whether I ask him to be or not. I do have to remember to acknowledge him and invite him to actually walk with me. Though I find comfort in the idea of God, I know this isn't enough. I have to really seek Him in times of trouble, which means praying early(and often) and going to Scripture to fortify myself before I start to think I don't need God.
    I know the reality of aftershocks. They can continue long after forgiveness has been extended or your situation stops controlling you. Pain can always creep in because there is a fault line there. Earthquakes may crack your foundation, which is why it is so important to draw from God's strength. Go to Him early on, and continually, to patch your foundation and keep it strong.
      Hebrews also gave me multiple reminders that Jesus experienced everything that we do. He definitely experienced the painful shock of separation from the one closest to him--God the Father. Jesus normally felt one with God, but he came to know the separation from God that is our constant reality. Jesus had unity with his Father until the moment that sin was upon him. The disparity between [oneness with God] and [exile through sin] that Jesus experienced was a far greater division than any separation we will ever know in our earthly relationships. 
   The bottom line is that human relationships are broken. You are allowed to grieve when you lose someone you love. But the story doesn't end there. Pick up your heart and give it to the One who made it. He will brush it off and give it back a little stronger than it was before. Now I'm not saying to just walk away when someone hurts you. That is usually not God's will. Follow His instructions for godly restoration and reconciliation and let Him heal your heart. Things may look very different but they can still be good.


I hope this helps you, my friends
Shep

Old thoughts in poetry form?

When I say this love within me is something You should handle
For I have not the power or the strength
You tell me that this love is the very thing that sets me apart and helps me draw near to You
Because You understand it best

God's heart in my human body
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Only your strength holds me together when I'm falling apart
When I have the fragments of my life whirling around like a tornado
You have every piece in its place
Try as I might I can't figure this out
I keep putting the pieces where they aren't supposed to go
You already have the puzzle glued together

 I am chaos and you are peace

I want to rest in the haven of your hand soft and warm
And leave the cold and lonely realms of the world that is my own
I play with fires that burn to mar and disfigure
But your fires burn away the impurities and all that does not need to be
I wrestle with sins that have long been forgiven
Then You spread a covering of peace over me

I am chaos and you are peace

Whirlwind

Locked out. Shut down. Access denied. No entry. No one allowed beyond this point.
Mindless chatter. Talking in circles. Lines of motion coming back on themselves.
Tired of being lured by the promise of treasure-- digging in shallow soil only to find rocks and dense, lumpy clay.
Every soul a lock box that cannot be opened because someone switched the keys on me.
Stuck in a revolving door, always being pushed along.
Standing outside doors that I can see through but I can't get inside. Trapped outside these souls, seeing what they themselves can't see. Hoping to be let in and get a chance to dust off ancient artifacts, relics of beauty that are unappreciated.
Windows with the shades down or the curtains closed. At least they hold no promises.
Labyrinths that lead you to endless corners and boxes with no exit. By the time you find the way out you are so exhausted it is hard to appreciate the resolution.
A GPS faultlessly leading you to a destination which is in fact not there.
Being teased by the thought of going on an exciting road trip and finding out the trip has been canceled.
Hundreds of trails explored, each one providing suspense and the hope of something worth seeing. Time wasted on trails that lead to nowhere. The journey isn't always worth the letdown in the end.  

Endless metaphors and analogies to illustrate the frustration of thinking you are getting somewhere with people but seeing that all the landmarks are familiar and you are still in charted territory.

Made with Care

8th Grade, Valentine's Day
 I made a special valentine for the boy I adored. I gladly spent the night before Valentine's Day preparing my masterpiece. It was a paper heart man with accordion arms and legs. The next day I was so excited but nervous to put it on his desk during the party. All the exchanges were made and I sat down at my desk. He picked up my valentine and demanded to know who had made it. "Who made this?!" Like he was angry or something. "Who made this!?"  Finally I said, kind of shyly, "I did."
He said, "Oh. Thanks."  SNAP! That's the sound of shattered hopes and a broken heart. Is that really all he had to say? Oh, thanks? No one else got a heart! I spent my valuable time on that thing, and I created it with love and passion! I managed every detail of it and worked in anticipation of what it would be! I was proud of it!
--------
I felt this way about a stupid valentine present. Imagine how God feels when we reject His creation, especially when the thing we are rejecting is our very self. It is like slapping God in the face and saying he didn't do well enough when He made you. God doesn't see what we see. He doesn't see ugly or fat, or big noses and crazy hair. He doesn't care because those things aren't important. The most beautiful woman in the world might never utter the name of God except in vain, and what is the use of her beauty? God sees the work of His hands, a beautiful creation that he rejoices over simply for your existence. 

God may make someone ugly, whether by that person's standards or anyone's standards, but that isn't all He gives that person. Sometimes beautiful things are in ugly packages so we can appreciate them for what they are inside and look at them as God does. What you appear to be doesn't matter. What you are is what matters. We all know hot jerks and have not-so-cute friends who are angels in disguise.

 I think once you can appreciate the beauty of your character it becomes less important what you look like. Your cute face and flat stomach won't get you spiritual wealth or enable you to better the people around you. Your kind and gentle spirit and irrational love are what make you worth something to the world. I'm talking the ability to love when it just doesn't make any sense. There is more fulfillment in developing traits that will last for a lifetime. Physical beauty is very temporary. We all age and develop wrinkles and sagging parts. Integrity, wisdom, and humility are things of beauty that will not only last but grow deeper and more attractive through a lifetime.

Good Convo

It has been too long since my last post. I have a few in the draft stage so they should be appearing shortly. There is a lot going on in my brain but I want to write something so I will just touch on what I am really thankful for right now and that is great conversations.

I have been blessed with many new relationships this year. I am getting some great opportunities to develop these relationships and I have seen growth recently. This is really exciting for me because I have been waiting a long time for this. The timing of these new bonds correlates directly with things that I have been learning this year. My heart was not ready before but God has been shaping me and showing me a lot of things.
 This past week I have had great conversations with several people and I hated for them to end. For the quantity of people we see every day, we get so little quality face time with others. I find this very frustrating because I want to know people. Today I was able to sit down with someone for more than two hours and talk about God and about life and it was wonderful! Tomorrow I am meeting up with two of my dear friends from college and I only hope I can offer them inspiration and encouragement as they have so often given me these things.

About me
My love language is quality time and that involves a lot of conversation. I feel most appreciated and cared for when people will sit down and just talk to me. I will admit that sparking this conversation with me may not be the easiest thing to do. I can be rather quiet because I don't like small talk. I want to get to the important stuff. If I am in a group and I'm sitting there like I don't want to talk to anyone, don't be fooled. Please come talk to me. During our talk, if I tell you something about myself it's because I want you to feel comfortable sharing yourself. Please don't let me leave the conversation feeling like it was all about me. I want to hear about you.

Until next time,
Shep ♥

Mosaic of Life

Life is like a mosaic. There are all these little pieces that don't look like they could be related and come together to make something intelligible to the eye. But every piece has its place, adding a little nuance of detail, to a big and beautiful collection that eventually makes sense. Every day I see how the little things in my life are fitting together into a mosaic...how that one conversation, that one song, that one friend that entered my life with such diving timing, are slowly revealing more of a larger picture that is fragmented yet amazing.

I never cease to wonder at the power of a God who can so creatively knit together the details of all of our lives simultaneously so we all experience things uniquely for our own development. I am a puzzle person so I have an extra respect for the ability to make sense of this artistic chaos. I don't know if you have ever tried a mosaic puzzle, but they aren't all that fun. Haha. You just don't know where or how to begin. There are sections of patterns in a mosaic. I find it very interesting to think that two neighboring pieces in my mosaic might be something that happened to me when I was 8 and something that will happen to me when I am 30. The thing that happened when I was 8 may have no meaning or significance until I am 30 and connect the two experiences.


Made you think!
Shep  :)

Peace in the Poor

I know a lot of people in tough situations right now. Seeing their stories being written has renewed the peace that I have in Jesus. I have been blessed in so many ways in the past several months. I didn't have a wonderful week and I am very broke for the next two, but I'm kind of ok with it. I need to struggle to know what has value. In my discomfort I am at peace because I am confident in the promise of provision. Famines aren't forever and the feast is soon to come. It takes tough times and dry spells to reveal our character flaws so we can fix them and develop rich character. This also gives me peace when I am struggling.

I cannot say that I am satisfied with where I am in life. I can say that it is me holding me back because of the way I respond to my circumstances. If I could change one thing about my life it would be my college debt. Obviously no one wants loan debt. It is absurd that the education that is supposed to make me more successful in life has only kept me prisoner. My debt is a ball and chain around my ankle. More that that, it is something I can conveniently hide behind as an excuse to not live the life that I desire and that God desires for me.

Life is not so vivid when you are blind to your successes and your failures are so apparent. Encouragement is crucial when you believe all the lies about yourself and you accept the ugly truths without aspiring to more. You have to surround yourself with people who will not let you stay in your pit of destruction. As often as I don't want to share why I am down (because I know it is up to me to do/be better), it is sometimes necessary to share so that others can speak truth into my life. I am so grateful to be in church groups in which I know this will happen. I know that I won't find it in me to pull myself out of the holes I am in and make things happen. Thankfully other people believe in my power more than I do and they can push me into action. My hope is that at some point I won't need such frequent and heavy doses of encouragement.

My life is not perfect or enviable. However, I cannot and will not let that control how I feel. I am hopeful for the future. I know that every storm passes and this life is just a blip in time. It's worth the prize but it's gonna hurt sometimes.

Acts 20:23-24
 ²³ I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. ²⁴ However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me —the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.


Welcome to the fight
Shep

Spontaneous Poem

Hope deferred with the absence of words
The cry of the heart goes unheard
Unable to move and to rise above
And reach out a hand in a gesture of love
Being robbed of something the soul so needs
Leaves one weary with eyes that bleed
So much inside with nowhere to go
This is compassion overload

*Shep
6/28/12